Monday, December 17, 2007

Let it all Out...

The anger. SO much anger. I have been trying to figure out why I have so much anger. And really, not about Caleb dying, not about Caleb at all. For him and for losing him, I just feel such sadness. I mean, obviously I am pissed as hell that he died but that's a concrete thing to be angry at and it doesn't even touch all of the other anger. So I thought to myself, where is the anger coming from. So I am making a list. I am checking it twice and then I will add more...feel free to add yours. I know there is enough anger out there and it is time for all of us to LET IT ALL OUT!!!!!!

1. Okay. Given. I am angry that my baby is dead.

2. That my kids will never know their baby brother.

3. That we had to explain to our 10 year old son that yes, even tho Caleb is dead, he is still your brother.

4. That our 6 year old daughter knows the difference between her "alive" brother and her dead brother.

5. That after telling our kids we were pregnant last year, we had a miscarriage two days later and had to try to rationalize a 12 week loss to them. "Nature's way , ohhhh how I wish we would have waited just a few more days...)

6. That when we told our kids we were pregnant again, the first thing they both said was "Is this baby going to die too?"

7. That my kids even know that babies die inside their mommy.

8. That for the whole 23 weeks that I was pregnant, I had to continuously reassure my kids that this baby was okay. After no less than nearly weekly ultrasounds, weekly heartbeat checks and then actually getting to feel Caleb kick every night for weeks, I kept telling them it was all going to be okay.

9. Having to tell, (well, my mom and dad had to do it, since I was in the hospital) that the baby had died.

10. That someone else had to tell my kids that the baby had died.

11. That the baby dying made me a liar in my kids eyes.

12. That the baby dying means my kids will never enjoy the blissful ignorance of a pregnancy where nothing goes wrong. They will always know that Caleb died in mommy's tummy.

13. That I couldn't protect my kids from this nightmare.

14. That my kids had to see mommy cry.

15. That I had to explain to my kids why it's okay to cry when a baby dies.

16. That my husband had to explain to our kids why mommy was still crying.

17. That my son won't talk about Caleb, because he doesn't want to cry.

18. That my son has to deal with feelings that even adults can't explain.

19. That my daughter spent time this year picking out ornaments for our Christmas tree that were for her dead baby brother.

20. That my son told my parents not to talk about Caleb because it made his mommy sad.

21. That my son is trying to protect me....way too big a job for a 10 year old little boy.

22. That my daughter wants to talk about Caleb all the time, to know if it's still okay to miss him.

23. That my husband had to leave the room when he called my parents to tell them that the baby had died. He said "I can't do it, not right in front of you."

24. That even after we knew the baby had died, my husband was still trying to protect me.

25. That my husband couldn't protect me and I couldn't protect him.

26. That my Caleb's ashes were given to me in a white gift bag, similar to what you might give a bride on her wedding night. It was a nice "high end" gift bag, but still. A gift bag???????????

27. That I missed the first day of school for both my kids, but especially kindergarten for my daughter.

28. That I am always wondering when people talk to me if they are thinking, "Her baby died. How awful."

29. That I am always wondering when people talk to me, "Do you know my baby died?"

30. That I am still avoiding people who knew I was pregnant and don't know about Caleb dying.

31. That one day I will have to tell them what happened.

32. That my sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time, due a day apart. She is still pregnant, I am not.

33. That my relationship with my sister-in-law is different now. And it's my fault.

34. That I am afraid I won't ever be able to look at her child and not think, "My son is dead."

35. That I will never forgive myself if I don't love that baby as much as I love his or her older sister.

36. That I can't bring myself to be there when the baby is born. I was there for my niece, even video taped her arrival, but going into a L & D ward at a hospital now makes me feel physically ill.

37. That everyone in my family is afraid to talk about "the baby" to me.

38. That everyone in my family is talking about "the baby" without me.

39. That I have to make a list about why I am angry that my baby died.

40. That I can't just miss my baby without being angry.

41. That my 16 year old cat is dying, peeing everywhere, shitting everywhere and I can't bring myself to take her in to be "put to sleep".

42. That my mom offered to take the cat in and I couldn't let her do it.

43. That I am a coward, hoping every day when I wake up that my cat is dead because I can't deal with having to make the decision myself but won't let anyone else help me.

44. That every time my kids do something really dangerous, like building a "sled" out of cardboard boxes and launching themselves down our staircase, I feel like yelling at them "How many kids do you think I can stand to bury!"

45. That for the rest of my life I will always have something to add to this list.

46. That my baby is dead.

Anyone else need to vent???????????????


Coggy said...

That everyone else I know got their baby but I didn't.

That I have had to go back to work and get treated like nothing happened.

That I take pleasure in pushing people to try and get them to talk about what happened when they so obviously don't want to.

That I have to go through another pregnancy if I want a family.

That this Christmas sucks more than I can even tell you.

That I can't stand most of my friends now.

But mainly like you that my baby is dead

C. said...

Okay, so I wrote this out once before. I don't think it got through though. Maybe I just said too much ;o)

My 6 year old son, like your son, is protecting me as well. He finds it hard to see me cry. I'm sorry that he has to deal with this at all.

Here are my additions:

That my daughter came home from pre-school the other day and said, "Mommy, Ashley and Sara (not their real names) said they're not going to die. They are going to die, Mommy, right? Everybody dies, right?"

That when I told my kids the other day that I had a dream I was pregnant, my son said, "Did that baby die too?"

That my SIL sent me a Christmas photocard the other day of her newborn daughter, born 7 days before Callum died. (Lots of unfounded anger here...)

That when I was talking to an acquaintance the other day about what had happened, she said (in not so many words) that it was meant to happen this way and if he had been born, he would have been sick and would have died anyway. Her husband then said, "Well, you can have more kids though, can't you?"

That I will not be lying somewhere hot and drinking beverages with paper umbrellas in them over the Christmas holidays.

That my mom keeps telling me to "Be strong". I love my mom, but if I have to hear her say that again I might just scratch her eyes out.

That I have to wake up each day without him.

That he is dead.

That he is dead.

That he is dead.

(I think I should probably write a similar blog of my own. Thanks for letting me vent.)

niobe said...

That my sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time, due a day apart. She is still pregnant, I am not.

That my relationship with my sister-in-law is different now. And it's my fault.

This really struck a chord with me, since I was in a very similar situation and it makes me so, so sad.

My SIL and I were due a week apart. She now has a beautiful almost-one-year-old girl and I have . . . two dead babies.

Though we used to be close, I haven't seen or spoken to my SIL since my twins died. I've never even seen a picture of her baby. I can't imagine ever talking to my SIL again.

a- said...

That I'm still producing milk.

That I have to go to a support group to meet others who hopefully offer me way back to myself for the sake of my family's well being.

That the milk is going away more and more every day.

That my husband now incessantly thinks about his own mortality and is now the person he was just eleven short months ago.

That I am pressured to "Be strong."

That I am mourning for three dead babies and that it took the death of a full term baby to make me realize that fact.

That we all have to be here.

That faith in anything is wasted since there are no guarantees about anything.

That my spirit as well as my body is broken.

That few people that I know understand.

That medicine doesn't help me. After all there are medicines that provide 4 hour erections right?

That I can't run away and hide somewhere far from home.

I could go on but I think it's enough. What an eye-opening post. Guess I'm angry too.

Hope said...

I am new to your blog but I think after I go have a good cry I will make a post like this. ((( Hugs ))) I am so sorry =(

Debbie said...

I could have written everything you said.

I am angry that it is Christmas and instead of celebrating one year with our baby girl, we're left with a box of memories.

amandacostin said...

Your list could be my list...even the cat. Yet, I did have to put my beloved cat to sleep last weekend--on the same day I had a miscarriage. Did I mention that I also lost my baby girl at 20 weeks this past March? How much can we all take in one year?

So, here are some of my additions--thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to vent.

-that my 4 year old daughter said to me for months after I lost the baby in March, "I pray that you don't die and I don't die"

-that my 6 year old daughter shared with her whole class that her mommy was having a baby and a week later had to tell them that the baby died.

-that I am going to be 40 in a few months and the chances of me having another healthy baby may not be a reality. And even if it is, how many losses can I go through emotionally to reach that healthy much do I have to have my kids suffer when I suffer...10 months of worry will take a toll on them.

-that I got pregnant last month and had great beta scores only to miscarry. Why give me hope and just rip it away like that?

-that on the same day as above I brought my cat to the vet b/c he was not using his litter box at all and found out his liver was failing and would have complete organ failure within a few days so my only choice was to put him to sleep.

-that I found out last Christmas day that I was pregnant.

-that I am present but not there.

-that I am missing the joy of my other children

-that most other people in my life have absolutely no appreciation for how vulnerable life is and complain, complain, complain.

-that I look at pictures of myself prior to March and don't even know that person

I can go on...thank you again for allowing me to let it out...