Let it all Out...

The anger. SO much anger. I have been trying to figure out why I have so much anger. And really, not about Caleb dying, not about Caleb at all. For him and for losing him, I just feel such sadness. I mean, obviously I am pissed as hell that he died but that's a concrete thing to be angry at and it doesn't even touch all of the other anger. So I thought to myself, where is the anger coming from. So I am making a list. I am checking it twice and then I will add more...feel free to add yours. I know there is enough anger out there and it is time for all of us to LET IT ALL OUT!!!!!!

1. Okay. Given. I am angry that my baby is dead.

2. That my kids will never know their baby brother.

3. That we had to explain to our 10 year old son that yes, even tho Caleb is dead, he is still your brother.

4. That our 6 year old daughter knows the difference between her "alive" brother and her dead brother.

5. That after telling our kids we were pregnant last year, we had a miscarriage two days later and had to try to rationalize a 12 week loss to them. "Nature's way , ohhhh how I wish we would have waited just a few more days...)

6. That when we told our kids we were pregnant again, the first thing they both said was "Is this baby going to die too?"

7. That my kids even know that babies die inside their mommy.

8. That for the whole 23 weeks that I was pregnant, I had to continuously reassure my kids that this baby was okay. After no less than nearly weekly ultrasounds, weekly heartbeat checks and then actually getting to feel Caleb kick every night for weeks, I kept telling them it was all going to be okay.

9. Having to tell, (well, my mom and dad had to do it, since I was in the hospital) that the baby had died.

10. That someone else had to tell my kids that the baby had died.

11. That the baby dying made me a liar in my kids eyes.

12. That the baby dying means my kids will never enjoy the blissful ignorance of a pregnancy where nothing goes wrong. They will always know that Caleb died in mommy's tummy.

13. That I couldn't protect my kids from this nightmare.

14. That my kids had to see mommy cry.

15. That I had to explain to my kids why it's okay to cry when a baby dies.

16. That my husband had to explain to our kids why mommy was still crying.

17. That my son won't talk about Caleb, because he doesn't want to cry.

18. That my son has to deal with feelings that even adults can't explain.

19. That my daughter spent time this year picking out ornaments for our Christmas tree that were for her dead baby brother.

20. That my son told my parents not to talk about Caleb because it made his mommy sad.

21. That my son is trying to protect me....way too big a job for a 10 year old little boy.

22. That my daughter wants to talk about Caleb all the time, to know if it's still okay to miss him.

23. That my husband had to leave the room when he called my parents to tell them that the baby had died. He said "I can't do it, not right in front of you."

24. That even after we knew the baby had died, my husband was still trying to protect me.

25. That my husband couldn't protect me and I couldn't protect him.

26. That my Caleb's ashes were given to me in a white gift bag, similar to what you might give a bride on her wedding night. It was a nice "high end" gift bag, but still. A gift bag???????????

27. That I missed the first day of school for both my kids, but especially kindergarten for my daughter.

28. That I am always wondering when people talk to me if they are thinking, "Her baby died. How awful."

29. That I am always wondering when people talk to me, "Do you know my baby died?"

30. That I am still avoiding people who knew I was pregnant and don't know about Caleb dying.

31. That one day I will have to tell them what happened.

32. That my sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time, due a day apart. She is still pregnant, I am not.

33. That my relationship with my sister-in-law is different now. And it's my fault.

34. That I am afraid I won't ever be able to look at her child and not think, "My son is dead."

35. That I will never forgive myself if I don't love that baby as much as I love his or her older sister.

36. That I can't bring myself to be there when the baby is born. I was there for my niece, even video taped her arrival, but going into a L & D ward at a hospital now makes me feel physically ill.

37. That everyone in my family is afraid to talk about "the baby" to me.

38. That everyone in my family is talking about "the baby" without me.

39. That I have to make a list about why I am angry that my baby died.

40. That I can't just miss my baby without being angry.

41. That my 16 year old cat is dying, peeing everywhere, shitting everywhere and I can't bring myself to take her in to be "put to sleep".

42. That my mom offered to take the cat in and I couldn't let her do it.

43. That I am a coward, hoping every day when I wake up that my cat is dead because I can't deal with having to make the decision myself but won't let anyone else help me.

44. That every time my kids do something really dangerous, like building a "sled" out of cardboard boxes and launching themselves down our staircase, I feel like yelling at them "How many kids do you think I can stand to bury!"

45. That for the rest of my life I will always have something to add to this list.

46. That my baby is dead.


Anyone else need to vent???????????????