Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The dreams

I had two dreams when I was pregnant with Caleb that really stand out in my head. The first was before I even officially knew I was pregnant. The dream wasn't even that long or detailed, it was more like a little video clip. In the dream I was watching a boy running through a field of really long grass, he had dark, almost black hair and lots and lots of freckles and he had this huge smile on his face. I knew he was my son and I knew all I could do was watch him. I couldn't talk to him or catch him.

I woke up and I knew that I was pregnant.

Weeks later after I officially knew I was pregnant and had had many ultra-sounds, (I am considered "advanced maternal age, God, I HATE that phrase), and every one of the ultrasounds was normal, fine, baby is growing well, moving well, no downs, no trisomy all looks good etc..I had a dream that the baby was stillborn and I kept telling myself in the dream, wake up, it's a dream, and finally I did wake up and it was a dream.

But I knew. Deep down I knew. It was coming.

I remember in the hospital, August 31, waiting for labor to start, closing my eyes and screaming in my head, "WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP" It didn't work. Because I was awake and I wasn't dreaming anymore.

A boat beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening in July-
Children three that nestle near
Eager eye and willing ear
Pleased a simple tale to hear-
Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die:
Autumn frosts have slain July.
Still he haunts me phantom wise
Caleb moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.
Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a wonderland they lie
Dreaming as the days go by
Dreaming as the summers die:
Ever drifting down the stream-
Lingering in the golden gleam
Life what is it but a dream?


Coggy said...

That's a beautiful poem kalakly. I run out of words these days to describe how others experiences make me feel. To read what you and everyone else writes touches me with the same sorrow as if I'd written the posts myself.
You know I am positive I knew I wouldn't have Jacob. I can't explain why, I didn't have dreams like you, but deep down I knew. There were many points through my pregnancy particularly towards the end when I just felt like it was all going to go wrong. As my pregnancy was text book, people took my fears as being unfounded and tried to placate me. I was shocked when we found out he'd died but I wasn't surprised.
My bestfriend D came over on the morning after we'd found out when I was due to go back in to hospital to give birth to him. I looked at her and said, I knew I'd never have him. She said I know.
Next time I will trust my instincts above what anyone else tells me.
big hugs to you xxx

C. said...

It's funny, because I think I may have felt the same as Coggy. That I would never get my Callum. I don't know if that is really how I felt or whether I put it in my mind afterwards.

As you describe your dream about the stillbirth, I get the chills. How upsetting it would have been for you at the time...and to actually have it come true? Well, that's something else. I'm so sorry, Kalakly.

Your poem is beautiful. Simply beautiful.

kalakly said...

Wish I could take full credit for the poem but no, ii is from "Through the Looking Glass", I changed it a little to speak for me.

Ashleigh said...

I amazed by how many deadbaby mothers talk about dreams like this. I was the same- I had a recurring dream about leaving the hospital without Owen (of course at the time I never imagined it was because he was dead). Maybe its our bodies/brains way to try and prepare us somewhat for what it to come........

Christine (Lucy's Mom) said...

Kalakly- i dream my baby would die. i remember saying to watson i dreamed the baby died and he said honey no that is just your fear. don;t get worried about it the baby will come home. oh how i wish.