I spend so much time doing all of the things I am supposed to be doing, you know the list, laundry, groceries, cooking, cleaning (well, to be honest that hasn't been happening, much), homework, bedtime stories, heading the school fundraisers I signed up for "before", and while I am doing it all I think, I am okay, look at me doing all of this and not losing it. But I am just doing it, the joy is gone. It's just stuff I am supposed to be doing. I used to want to do it and now it's become a hiding place.
I didn't even realize I was hiding until we started to decorate for the holidays. Here's some background: Last year on Thanksgiving we told the kids we were pregnant and that the new baby was due on our oldest sons 10th birthday, June 26, 2007. The kids then got to make the announcement to the whole family at Thanksgiving Dinner. (I had my misgivings but that's yet ANOTHER story). Anyway, everyone was so excited, didn't know we were trying, baby #3, squeezing one more in before I hit the Big 40...etc. On the following Monday, I miscarried. (Another story)
So the holidays last year weren't everything we had planned, my theme song. But we still did it all, the decorations, the tree, the friends over for drinks and kids gift exchange, I hated being so sad but I wanted to do it all, for my kids, and do it just like they had always done it. And I did.
So , fast forward to this year. I think, if I did it then I can do it now. First sign things are not normal, every year my kids and hubby both look forward to and dread the "tree hunt". It takes me FOREVER to pick out a tree. It has to be fat, full, poofy, perfect, I spend more time every year picking out "THE" tree, than I did picking out my wedding dress. This year, in and out of the tree farm in less than 15 minutes. Hmmm, something is different. Next, decorating the house, pulled out everything I need to put together a beautiful Christmas Dining table and yet, can't seem to budge the Pilgrims and turkeys off of table to make room. Definitely not right. Front door garland looks great, except the right half of the doorway won't light up. Doesn't bother me.
Then, in the middle of the garland and twinkly lights I realize I am trying to make everything "look" normal, the way it was "before", and like my half lit doorway, they aren't.
I have just been hiding behind all of the 'supposed to's' thinking if it all looked normal then I would be too.
Turns out I was wrong.
Ohhh, I just want to be normal again.
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3 comments:
I certainly don't have any insight on this. I am in the same position as you: I would like normal again, too. I am certain when I say we won't have the normal we had before our babies died. I lived in a bubble then. The bubble was my normal. I'm trying to recreate a new normal now, outside of the bubble. And frankly, it sucks.
Good for you for trying to keep things as normal as you can for the kids. I know how difficult this is and I am inspired by your ability to try.
C.
You're so right. It sucks.
I hope our life "outside the bubble" isn't always this hard.
I'm really good at being 'normal' in public, even at work you'd never know what had happened to me if you hadn't been told. I am finding the ease of pretending quite surprising, like you I start thinking 'look at me' doing all this crap. Then something reminds me, or I just get home to the house which is empty, but which should be full or I get a random email from a friend who doesn't know what happened yet and all of a sudden I realise. Yep I'm just pretending to be normal and I hate it.
I think time is unfortunately the answer to this, with time we'll forget what it was like to be normal and we'll accept our new normal as being the way it always has. Right now I HATE TIME!!!!
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