Friday, December 14, 2007

Parents, please put your oxygen mask on first, before securing your childs....

It's the stupidest directive, we've all heard it, at least if we've ever been on a plane. Yet it's probably the most basic form of good parenting there is. You are absolutely no good to your child if you're dead. No one else will take care of them like you will. No one could ever love them and all of their "unique" character traits like you do, no one will ever appreciate the sheer genius in an elaborately planned, folded and executed paper airplane the way you will, nor will anyone ever truly see the most amazing use of dimension in a drawing that contains macaroni, glitter, yarn, oatmeal, sand, very tiny rocks and something I hope is not cat crap.

I got slapped in the face today with the realization that I am not doing anyone, least of all my kids, any good right now. My previous "supposed to" post pretty much says it all. I am doing everything on the surface with great success but I am not in any way there, for anyone.

My last "previously scheduled programming" (something I volunteered for when I was happy and pregnant) ended today. I have had my nose, head, body and mental sanity completely buried in heading up huge events at my kids school. So much so that I have physically and emotionally blown off, pretty much everything else I used to do. So when my mom dropped off my daughter from ballet class, (I couldn't take her b/c of the "event" and also I have been avoiding going because one of the other mom's there is pregnant and due 3 weeks after I was due with Caleb. How's that for handling things???) Anyway, my mom asked me how I was doing and I just lost it. I thought I was only going to say how tired I was and then all this other emotion came up and I started sobbing. She was hugging me saying let it out, let it go and I thought to myself, if I start, I won't be able to stop. Ever.

So now I am left with this feeling that for the rest of my life I will always feel this horrible, oppressive emptiness. And no matter how hard I run through my life I will never get away from it. I wonder if I will ever truly enjoy something again. I wonder if I will ever not think about my dead baby when I am having what appears to be, to everyone else and maybe even me, a good day.

I am still breathing but I feel like I am running out of air and I have no idea where my oxygen mask is.


Ashleigh said...

Oh Kalaky- I know where you are right now and it is a bleak and scary place ((hugs)) I think sobbing on your mom's shoulder was probably the best thing you could do though. unfortunately there's no short cut through grief, you just have to live through it. I can say (although I dont know if it helpful or not) that now almost 5 months out from losing Owen I think I'm finding my way....not all the time but enough so there's some relief from the all encompassing despair..
thinking of you

C. said...

I fear the same thing, Kalakly. I can't imagine that I will get on with life without thinking of Callum every moment of everyday. The emptiness I feel is so real and so intense and even when it's not, he's still there. I just started writing a post about it actually, the fact that I never really thought there was an actual feeling of being "empty", that it was just something that people said. But I know different now. I do feel an intense emptiness and I don't know if I can fill it or whether it can ever be really be filled. It's an awful feeling.

missing_one said...

First of all, I am so sorry you joined our little sad club.

Secondly, "I am left with this feeling that for the rest of my life I will always feel this horrible, oppressive emptiness",
You won't. It'll get better. I thought for a long while that the emptiness would suffocate me. If I could somehow cut out all that emptiness, it would get better.
Now the emptiness is no longer and it is weird.
*hugs* It will get better. Give yourself a break about being supermom. I keep telling myself that having one year of not being supermom and instead being grieving mom isn't going to permanently scar them forever.. then again, that's what I tell myself

kalakly said...

Hi missing one,

Thank you for reaching out. Every new friend makes a difference.

I am sorry we have to share this journey together.

I am so very sorry about your baby girl.

No one should ever have to be in our sucks.

Coggy said...

Everyone is right! See it's crap when everyone comments before me because I don't have anything good to add :o)

Ashleigh and Missing One are right it does get easier. Nearly 4 months for me now and it's not always despairing. I actually genuinely had hysterics at work the other day, not grief hysterics, proper laughing ones.
I don't think about Jacob all the time now, a few months ago I couldn't see how that would ever be possible, but it is. As sad as that is in some respects it does make life a lot easier to live. I've even started to realise that his death is not the end of my life, this is still a thought that comes and goes but I think it's a start to things becoming better.
As hard as it is the only way to cope is to give in to the grief. I can say 100% that totally going with it and not trying to force myself to be happy has made my journey through it much easier. Does that make sense?