Sunday, June 1, 2008

A bed of roses

And I say to my good friend C., "Yes, I will accept this rose...." To see the whole story of this beautiful Pink Rose Award, look here but in brief, it is an award given to those who inspire you and/or who may be in need of some inspiration.
Everyday as I make the leap into blog land, hoping to disappear into the place where I feel most at home, surrounded by women who truly 'get' me and whose blogs remind me that I am not alone as I try to find my way, I am amazed and comforted by every single word that I read. I can not imagine what my life would be like had I not stumbled across this place we have all come to know as "dead baby land". That name alone speaks volumes to the uniqueness of our self created universe. Where else, I ask you, can we name drop the dead baby bomb and not be looked at or verbally bashed for our 'callous' use of the term?
You all get why we use it, why we say it, why it feels good to say it, why it even offers relief to us. You get the joke. No one else who hasn't worn our 'shoes' will really understand why it works for us. And certainly they would never be able to stand in front of us and hear us say the unspeakable words, "DEAD BABY" without noticeably cringing as though we had all just run our fingernails across a mile long chalkboard.
You ladies are my happy hour. You are where I go when I need release, when I am physically exhausted from the mental gymnastics of being(acting) 'normal' in my everyday life. It takes oodles of energy to censor myself all day long. And even though as time has passed I try more and more to talk about Caleb and his death, it still is a subject I save for the friends and family I know will actually listen and not just give me the courtesy nod and smile. I won't dare share him or his story with anyone who will not show him the respect he deserves. One of the things I have found the hardest in this walk of grief that I am on is the fact that everyday I am always thinking about him, the loss, the absence, the what ifs and yet I probably talk about it, out loud, IRL, at best maybe once a day, maybe. Without dead baby land, the place where I can let all of the thoughts out, let the feelings go and read others words that share my own inner dialogues, I think I might very well have ended up in a rubber room, sitting in a corner, arms encircling my bent knees, rocking back and forth, talking to myself.
So I say to all of you, thank you for saving my life. Thank you for being so brave to put your feelings and heart break into words for me and others to see and share. Thank you to all of you have left words of support and encouragement on my blog, even if I haven't yet found my way to you. I will, I promise.
And so, yes C., I accept this rose as you have inspired me right from the start of my walk here and I continue to be inspired by you and your words. I will also gladly pass this rose on to everyone who has stopped by here and made yourself known to me. In particular I would like to pass it on to my sweet Aunt Becky, you all know how much I heart her and she has had her own world of let downs and loss in the past 2 months and still manages to find some humor through the hurt.
I am also going to pass this on to a woman whose blog I have been shadowing and whose strength and courage have absolutely knocked me on my a**. She is a new mom to her second baby and while pregnant with him was diagnosed with a nasty cancer which despite a literal gut cleaning by her doctors has reoccurred. She is now fighting for her life and for her children to have their mommy. She is Emilie over at lemmondrops and I am profoundly inspired by her bravery, her attitude and her absolute devotion to her children. I hope everyone who reads this will stop by her place and give her as much support as you can muster. She is one hell of a woman.
I also happily bestow a rose on all of you, because the rules say I can:) See below to play along.
Now it's your turn. Here's what to do:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.
Alrighty ladies, let's make it rain roses around here!!


Antigone said...

I think there are many of us whose lives have been saved, in a way, by this community.

Aunt Becky said...

In a completely different--or perhaps not so different--I feel the same way. You all save me, too.

And thank you for this award. I am literally crying over it. I AM NOT HORMONAL SHUT UP.

Tash said...

Everything you said? Right back at ya.