Thursday, June 5, 2008

Breakfast of Champions....

It has happened. The tiny flutters. At first I thought, no, it is just my imagination, but as it has become more frequent and more familiar I have had to admit it to myself, yes, I can feel this baby moving.
Before now, I had only referred to this pregnancy as "it", doing everything I could to remain detached and removed, just in case. Now, it seems cruel to deny this little one's existence, to hold off loving this maybe baby just to spare myself. What if I actually make it out of this pregnancy with a baby and I have trained myself not to love this baby or if the fear of him or her dying becomes so great that it spills over into his or her entire lifetime, so that I can never really attach myself to my own child?? I can't let that happen. I have to let myself love this baby.

Whoever said that deciding to become a mother is being brave enough to let your heart go walking around outside your body, only knew a part of the story, the part where it's all happy endings and fairy tales. After losing a child, deciding to become a mother again means not only being brave enough to let your heart go walking around outside your body, but also being brave enough to risk your heart being shattered into a million tiny pieces, everyday. It feels as though everyday I have to take my heart, lay it in the middle of the highway at rush hour and stand on the side of the road watching it, helplessly, hoping like hell no one runs it over.

And so now, each morning as I lay on my side and feel the small, gentle rolling motions of this tiny creature, I think to myself, please, please, please baby, please don't die.

14 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

It's one of those things. Like, if you pretend not to care, it won't hurt if it's taken away. But it will hurt no matter what.

*hugs*

Sarah said...

I am right there with you. I stayed totally detached until she started moving and then it was the same - I felt guilty for trying to pretend nothing was happening, and not loving this baby. But I still do every day ask her to please not die.

Life without a safety net - and with the practical experience of falling and being completely broken - is scary indeed.

Amy said...

What I would give to feel the flutter (I only felt one good roll with William). My heart is hopefully going to be on the highway with yours one day. Maybe they can keep one another company! I can't imagine what it must feel like for you but my heart goes out to you and I do think you are incredibly brave! Incredibly!

G said...

Oh K@l, that's so damn awesome, those flutters.

I am praying the same for you and the flutterbug.
xo
g

janis said...

((hugs)) to you.
It is ok to feel afraid to connect, really. Normal. Eventually, your heart will give over. and then our heads also.
Best wishes, and strong living baby vibes.~~~

Tash said...

You're brave in my eyes, very brave. I'd pop a tums and blame it on my cereal.

Reese said...

Butterfly wings flapping. What a beautiful moment!

CLC said...

You are a very brave soul. I hope to be like you one day:)

c. said...

I find myself not wanting to touch my belly, pulling away when I find my hands in that all-too-familiar position. It's so very hard.

I hope like hell your baby makes it, K. Only another deadbaby mom could understand a wish like this, worded like this. XO.

Rosalind said...

The flutters are nice...I miss those. Take it all in, every kick and every flutter..It sounds wonderful and yet very scary

Julia said...

I had to make that decision a little bit before I could admit to movements being movements-- before the ultrasound where we could find out the sex, if we wanted to (not the anatomical scan, the one we got before, but late enough to see). Scary as all get out. Doesn't get any better with time, at least for me. Love and fear are matched in me, and my life is lived listening and timing.
You know how much I wish for all of you that the leprechaun make it. And yet, from where I am walking, a bit in front of you, the road, this bitch, just isn't getting easier. Shorter, it's getting shorter is what I remind myself of every day. Maybe this thought will help you too...

Angelisa said...

k@laky,

you are a brave brave and *loving* mamma/soul. i am sending all my best wishes...sprinkling lots of fairydust around you and the flutterbug.

Ashleigh said...

i get it- for me the first flutters were such a mixed bag... as most of it has been.

Ange said...

I can imagine the mixed feelings..but gee it must be nice those flutters..how I hope they come my way again. sigh!!
Best of luck from one mama to another.