Wednesday, May 28, 2008
We, well my husband, told our son the other night about the pregnancy. He was very excited about it which to me is a double edged sword. On the one hand, I am so relieved that he is happy. He has had such a hard time dealing with Caleb's death. He rarely talks about it or Caleb and when we bring it up to him he always says, "I don't want to talk about it, it makes me too sad". Months ago he told me that if I were to get pregnant again to please not tell him until he figured it out by himself. He wanted to be surprised. I think in his mind he was hoping that if he didn't know about the potential of a baby coming if we lost it, it wouldn't hurt him, again. So when my husband told me that the 'cat was out of the bag' and that all was good I felt some relief. But, on the other hand, if things don't work out, again, his heart may not be able to bear another loss. Who's will, really?
So that night with my daughter off with a friend my husband, son and I all sat at dinner and finally, for the first time talked about Caleb and his dying and how we feel about it and how, as it turns out, we all think about him everyday, even though the boys try very hard not to I was told. My son asked about the chances of this baby dying. Now there's a tough one. I didn't feed him the line of crap about the odds being on our side since we all know that's not the side we live on anymore, but I did try and tell him what I tell myself which is that Caleb got his cord twisted and it killed him. There wasn't anything wrong with him and for that reason the doctor thinks it is very unlikely that it will happen again. But there are no guarantees. I hated saying that to him, hated it, but I can't give him guarantees and I don't want to lie to him, ever.
It felt really good to finally be able to talk about Caleb like we did. I think we all have been so careful with each others feelings that it had almost become taboo, the old "I don't want to rain on your happy day", method of avoidance.
The next night walking into my room I found what you see in the picture above. Normally you would find Caleb's' ashes in the two urns and the footprint/hand print card, alone. The truck was new. I thought my daughter must have found the truck and put it there which would be something she would do, but when I asked her she said no, it wasn't her. I showed it to my husband and he also had not done it. I went and found my son and brought him to my room and asked him about the truck. He said to me, "I put it there, I thought Caleb might have liked trucks because he's a boy so I wanted him to have it. I think his first word would have been 'truck' just like me." And he smiled at me.
I didn't know you could feel your broken heart begin to mend but I did that day. I don't know if it is the possibility of a new baby that did it or if it was the conversation about what happened to Caleb and how we felt about Caleb that did it or a combination of both, but something finally allowed my son to love his little brother out in the open. His pain has subsided enough that he can just love Caleb and not hide from or be afraid of him or thoughts of him.
And so after having myself my pity party about my bday, my son gave me the best gift of all. He showed me it wan't all about me and in that moment I let go of all of my baggage and I let it be, just about my boys.