Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My Boys


We, well my husband, told our son the other night about the pregnancy. He was very excited about it which to me is a double edged sword. On the one hand, I am so relieved that he is happy. He has had such a hard time dealing with Caleb's death. He rarely talks about it or Caleb and when we bring it up to him he always says, "I don't want to talk about it, it makes me too sad". Months ago he told me that if I were to get pregnant again to please not tell him until he figured it out by himself. He wanted to be surprised. I think in his mind he was hoping that if he didn't know about the potential of a baby coming if we lost it, it wouldn't hurt him, again. So when my husband told me that the 'cat was out of the bag' and that all was good I felt some relief. But, on the other hand, if things don't work out, again, his heart may not be able to bear another loss. Who's will, really?
So that night with my daughter off with a friend my husband, son and I all sat at dinner and finally, for the first time talked about Caleb and his dying and how we feel about it and how, as it turns out, we all think about him everyday, even though the boys try very hard not to I was told. My son asked about the chances of this baby dying. Now there's a tough one. I didn't feed him the line of crap about the odds being on our side since we all know that's not the side we live on anymore, but I did try and tell him what I tell myself which is that Caleb got his cord twisted and it killed him. There wasn't anything wrong with him and for that reason the doctor thinks it is very unlikely that it will happen again. But there are no guarantees. I hated saying that to him, hated it, but I can't give him guarantees and I don't want to lie to him, ever.
It felt really good to finally be able to talk about Caleb like we did. I think we all have been so careful with each others feelings that it had almost become taboo, the old "I don't want to rain on your happy day", method of avoidance.
The next night walking into my room I found what you see in the picture above. Normally you would find Caleb's' ashes in the two urns and the footprint/hand print card, alone. The truck was new. I thought my daughter must have found the truck and put it there which would be something she would do, but when I asked her she said no, it wasn't her. I showed it to my husband and he also had not done it. I went and found my son and brought him to my room and asked him about the truck. He said to me, "I put it there, I thought Caleb might have liked trucks because he's a boy so I wanted him to have it. I think his first word would have been 'truck' just like me." And he smiled at me.
I didn't know you could feel your broken heart begin to mend but I did that day. I don't know if it is the possibility of a new baby that did it or if it was the conversation about what happened to Caleb and how we felt about Caleb that did it or a combination of both, but something finally allowed my son to love his little brother out in the open. His pain has subsided enough that he can just love Caleb and not hide from or be afraid of him or thoughts of him.
And so after having myself my pity party about my bday, my son gave me the best gift of all. He showed me it wan't all about me and in that moment I let go of all of my baggage and I let it be, just about my boys.

16 comments:

G said...

Awww, that is so sweet. What an amazing little boy. Both of them.

janis said...

Thanks for sharing this. It is so beautiful and heartwarming.... honored to witness four family in communication and healing.
Hugs to you, and I sure hope you get to celebrate your birthday next year!!

CLC said...

That was so sweet on your son's part. You should be proud, which I am sure I don't need to tell you. Thanks for sharing.

Julia said...

Beautiful story.
So glad your son is now able to talk about it. I have always thought that it was good that my daughter has been able to talk about A, even though it is sometimes hard on us. Once, last year, it came out that my MIL was telling her to forget about the baby and not talk about him, and that it was causing her stress-- she wanted to talk but was feeling like she was doing something wrong. We nearly killed the stupid woman. She denied it, of course. But we know how that works with her. Ugh.

Anyway, I am so glad your son is where he is now. He sounds lighter on his feet (as do you), and that is never a bad thing.

Tash said...

Wow, what an amazing, powerful story. So glad you were able to get all this out, and he was too.

I wish Bella would talk about it more. I don't like to bring it up without context, and sometimes context doesn't lend itself (segue from dead bird to dead sister? segue from imaginary sister to real, dead sister?). But I remind me that she's three, and she's clearly interested around the edges, and someday all I can hope is that the memory and feeling will converge into some coherence.

c. said...

Oh, K. I am so glad he was able to do this. It's a beautiful, outward exhibition of his love for that little boy. I think it's wonderful. XO.

Reese said...

You got a good boy there, you do.

Thanks for sharing that. It reinforces the strength that every human being is capable of.

Hope you are feeling well---

Aunt Becky said...

*crying*

*crying*

*crying*

What wonderful children you have.

Brooke said...

I am so glad that you were able to talk to him openly. The truck is very cute :0)

Antigone said...

That was an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it. I forget that it isn't just me that's suffering. The entire family suffers and heals together.

Magpie said...

What a sweet boy you have. The truck - what a wonderful gesture.

niobe said...

What a lovely story.

Tricia said...

Thank you for sharing.

iheartchocolate said...

What an amazing story. What a loving brother! I am happy for you.

kate said...

That's a beautiful story, it warms my heart.

Coggy said...

That picture breaks my heart. What a sweet boy you have raised. I'm so glad that you are all able to share Caleb together now.

Beautiful post K.