Thursday, August 21, 2008

Keeping my head in the sand

I missed my appointment yesterday. One of those days where you wake up with great expectations and then it all goes to shit. After the flat tire, calling my version of A.A.A. "Hi dad, HELP!" then my dad falling over when he was changing my tire for me and giving himself a nice shiner, breaking his glasses and scraping the hell out of his leg, I got trapped at middle school registration with my son, endless long lines of forms and writing $$$$ checks (thanks for the free public education) much of which could have easily done by mail, begging people to let my son go ahead in the really long lines for pictures and student i.d. cards, blah, blah, blah, trying to walk back to the auto shop that had my car in the 100 degree heat with my son carrying about 20lbs worth of text books, and then my dad calling me at the same time and freaking out that I was walking so he came and drove us to the shop only to find out the car wasn't ready anyway, we just didn't make it to the doctors office before my doctor left for some meeting for the rest of the day.

So, I went today instead. Doc said they see fluid in kidney's all the time now, especially when they are doing more u/s than normal, like with me. He's going to scan me again in 4 weeks, (assuming of course, you know, I get 4 more weeks and then some) if the fluid is still there then we look at other possibilities but most likely it's something that would be dealt with after the baby is born, by the pediatrician. I think in my past life I might have been more freaked out and have gone to all of the bad possibilities but you know what? I am so fucking exhausted from all of the worrying I am already doing I just don't have anything left. I am going to listen to your comments, thanks especially to Cindy for delurking with her really helpful words, and I am going to just sit with this and imagine that it will be ok. At least for now. I heard the baby's heartbeat again today and am feeling good movement from within, which makes me feel good, at least for now. When the nurse asked me if I had picked out a pediatrician yet, I literally had to take a breath and think in my head are you asking me this because you think I might actually be taking a baby home after this?? I just haven't gone there mentally, yet. But that question really turned a switch for me. I mean, really if it does work, I only have about 12 weeks left, many of which will be consumed by the back to school madness that is about to descend on my house. Should I pull my head out of the sand and look around and consider the possibility of this baby really getting out of me alive or should I leave it buried for a while longer? I have actually grown quite fond of the darkness and the taste of the gritty sand in my mouth doesn't even bother me anymore.
Taking things day by day makes it really hard to plan for a future you still don't know if you'll get.
But then again, as I have said somewhere before, this is not what i had planned.


CLC said...

What a crap day. I am sorry. I don't know what to tell you. I would have my head in the sand too. I don't know how anyone can assume they will have a live baby. Yet people do every day. My doctor looked at me yesterday and said "this will not happen again." And I wanted to believe him so badly. But how can he say that? He can't guarantee it. I think I would welcome the back to school distraction. At least the time should fly by a little quicker for you. Thinking of you!

Tash said...

Ugh. You're right about the worry though -- at some point it's redundant and you're probably worrying about it already. Hang in there.

Aunt Becky said...

Head in the sand = full of awesome. I keep forgetting I'm pregnant and I LOVE IT.

Thinking of you, my dear. I'm sorry that your day sucked ass.

(maybe we could go in on a deal or something where we fast forward time about 12 weeks. Would work for me, too. I have the big freaky anatomy scan Sept 17 and I'm freaking already.)

Reese said...

Sorry that this is something ELSE you have to deal with (as if trying to have a baby isn't stressful enough!).

Ask if a urologist can be consulted for the next ultrasound. They can give you a plan of action and give you solid advice.

One of my good friends had their baby diagnosed with a hole in the heart. The baby was born and had surgery within 24 hours. She is 4 now. Some crazy shit happens to babies (water on the brain, intestines on the outside), and the outcome can be positive.

Will continue to have hope and think positive for you..

Thinking of you---

kate said...

Keeping you in my thoughts....i am glad that whatever this is, it doesn't look *too* bad and it seems like baby is doing fine...i wish you didn't have this additional worry though.