I missed my appointment yesterday. One of those days where you wake up with great expectations and then it all goes to shit. After the flat tire, calling my version of A.A.A. "Hi dad, HELP!" then my dad falling over when he was changing my tire for me and giving himself a nice shiner, breaking his glasses and scraping the hell out of his leg, I got trapped at middle school registration with my son, endless long lines of forms and writing $$$$ checks (thanks for the free public education) much of which could have easily done by mail, begging people to let my son go ahead in the really long lines for pictures and student i.d. cards, blah, blah, blah, trying to walk back to the auto shop that had my car in the 100 degree heat with my son carrying about 20lbs worth of text books, and then my dad calling me at the same time and freaking out that I was walking so he came and drove us to the shop only to find out the car wasn't ready anyway, we just didn't make it to the doctors office before my doctor left for some meeting for the rest of the day.
So, I went today instead. Doc said they see fluid in kidney's all the time now, especially when they are doing more u/s than normal, like with me. He's going to scan me again in 4 weeks, (assuming of course, you know, I get 4 more weeks and then some) if the fluid is still there then we look at other possibilities but most likely it's something that would be dealt with after the baby is born, by the pediatrician. I think in my past life I might have been more freaked out and have gone to all of the bad possibilities but you know what? I am so fucking exhausted from all of the worrying I am already doing I just don't have anything left. I am going to listen to your comments, thanks especially to Cindy for delurking with her really helpful words, and I am going to just sit with this and imagine that it will be ok. At least for now. I heard the baby's heartbeat again today and am feeling good movement from within, which makes me feel good, at least for now. When the nurse asked me if I had picked out a pediatrician yet, I literally had to take a breath and think in my head are you asking me this because you think I might actually be taking a baby home after this?? I just haven't gone there mentally, yet. But that question really turned a switch for me. I mean, really if it does work, I only have about 12 weeks left, many of which will be consumed by the back to school madness that is about to descend on my house. Should I pull my head out of the sand and look around and consider the possibility of this baby really getting out of me alive or should I leave it buried for a while longer? I have actually grown quite fond of the darkness and the taste of the gritty sand in my mouth doesn't even bother me anymore.
Taking things day by day makes it really hard to plan for a future you still don't know if you'll get.
But then again, as I have said somewhere before, this is not what i had planned.