Monday, March 24, 2008

All my eggs in one Basket

Sitting in the room at the doctors office that day, after being told that our baby was dead and listening to our "options" for his delivery, OBitch mentioned that not having another c-section would mean a quicker recovery and that would mean we could 'try again' sooner, if we chose to do that. (She also made the now infamous comment about how I would feel "great" afterwards, if I delivered vaginally, cuz you know not every woman feels great after delivering their dead child but if you do it vaginally, well then, it's happy time...I know I'm beating it with a dead horse but I am still so pissed she said that to me) Anyway, when she mentioned the 'trying again' I looked at my husband and whispered to him, "Will you let us try again?" I was pretty sure I knew what the answer would be from him. "Not in a million years, give or take a lifetime.". He looked at me and just said, "We can talk about it later, let's just get through this now.". I knew that was a no, he just didn't want to upset me, anymore than I already was anyway, by telling me right then that our third child, the one I wanted so desperately, that we had finally agreed to have, was really going to be our last, even though he was going to be born still.

In my mind, I was already planning on another one. Before we even left for the hospital, as I sat on the examining table I started thinking that if I got pregnant right away the next baby would only be 5 or 6 months younger than the one I was carrying at that moment, had he been born as 'planned'. You know, alive and all that. I know it's horrible isn't it? It is so callous. I had already decided to move on from the nightmare. Fill in the gap. Make another baby, pretend like it never happened. Life goes on, blah, blah blah.

I know now, I was in shock. I was searching for anything to make the indescribable pain, the unbelievable heartache and utter helplessness I felt, go away. The only thing I could come up with was, make another baby, quick like, then you won't have to be this person, this dead baby mom, for more than a few moments. People will forget, you won't be the "poor lady whose baby died", it'll be a blip, not the exclamation point at the end of the sentence. A new baby will fix everything.

I was so wrong. Obviously. I know I will always be a dead baby mom. I know nothing will take away the loss. That I can't fill the void, not even with a hundred living babies could I even begin to mend the crevice in my heart that has been carved out by C.a.leb's death . You can't fix a dead baby. You just can't. Why then, do I keep trying?

I still hope against hope for a healthy, alive baby. I still hope against hope that a healthy, alive baby will take away some of this pain, that a healthy, alive baby will magically make me 'better'. That a healthy, alive baby will be my "Get out of Dead Baby Land Free" pass. Why am I putting this pressure on myself and worse on another baby? What will happen to me if I never get there? If I never get that healthy, alive baby? How much of my grief have I totally denied by throwing myself back into the "Let's Make a Baby" game? How absolutely crazy am I to put myself and my family in a position to have to relive this nightmare again if things don't go as "planned"....with a subsequent pregnancy?

Am I still in shock? Am I still in denial? Am I just seeing things clearer since easing up on the ah, booze and quitting all the medicinal, umm, aides, but still mentally fucking myself with baby dreams?

That's my new fear. That's the big worry, not that I won't be able to live with this, but that I won't be able to live with the aftermath, the reality of putting all my eggs in one basket. And having the basket get run over by the truck coming round the corner, the one I can hear but can still pretend is headed in another direction, while I stand here frozen, holding all my eggs in one very tiny, fragile basket.

23 comments:

Sarah said...

I don't think you're the first one to feel any - or all - of it. I lost my daughter almost 8 months ago and immediately did the same math - the "How quickly can I make us seem normal again" calculation. It took me a few months longer than I had planned to get pregnant again, and I'm glad...being pregnant again has actually made me feel even less normal, because on top of the grief I'm still not over, I feel guilty for trying so hard not to get attached to this baby. And I can't have 3 Mike's Hard Lemonades and a sleeping pill on a bad day. I have come to the same conclusion as you - like it or not, you're just in the club forever.

mj said...

I almost feel you live inside my head. I feel right now there is no way to ever make things "right" again. It has happened and we can only pick up and move on from here; even though most days I still desperately try to rewind and go back... I forgot how I found your blog but it has really resonated with me. hugs to you and best wishes.
Janis
http://ferdinandsgifts.wordpress.com

Ange said...

I so understand..I too or we too said we will 'try again' hours after seeing the scan that Noah was dead. 3 days before I finally pushed him out. And yet I had NO IDEA of the implications of being dead baby person then...i just 'wanted a baby..my baby' and really still do. But shit what is normal and when if ever is this new baby coming our way. hmmm life long members of hell club...ange x

Amy said...

I understand exactly how you feel. I was thinking about this similar conversation Shan and I had after, we found out we lost William and before I delivered him.

Shan said almost immediately, we can try again. Now, that was the actual woman in him talking because now the man came back...his "boys" are on strike. He's not sure how long the strike will last. That's upsetting to me but then again, my eggs have flown out of the basket over the years and gone splat. I'm hoping now that the ones I have left aren't too fragile to be well...fertilized by the "boys" or "girls" for that matter.

I don't like that any of us has to think about this all in these terms now, of what might or might not ease some of the pain. As we all know now nothing will get us out of this hell, we are stuck here forever. I guess, I'm hoping for something that might ease the pain a smidge, even if that is having myself a living child that can look towards the sky and see his or her brother looking back.

I am thinking of you and sending you hugs!

G said...

I think of how pathetic I must have sounded, sitting there in that hospital bed, hooked up the the IV, letting the contractions roll, asking my doctor when we could try again.

It's scary as hell thinking about the eggs in that neurotic basket. Consolation? We will be here together.

meg said...

I think it is completely normal to be thinking about the next pregnancy. I know I did the same thing too.

I know what you mean about all the eggs in the fragile little basket. It is scary.

Becky said...

I'm fairly certain I would have the same reaction as you. Make it better, make it better FAST.

*hugs*

Antigone said...

I've been consumed since the birth with the idea of getting pregnant again. It's been my driving force. Honestly, I don't think I would have been able to survive the last two months without that distraction.

Of course that meant I wasn't grieving fully. I was distracting myself. So now, two months later I'm grieving deeply again and struggling to function. It started the moment I eased off the lets get pregnant right away mission.

At least those two months bought me a little time to adjust. It was just too painful to deal with it all right away.

c. said...

The only real hope I have is that another baby might help me to heal this deadbaby pain just a little. It's a tiny hope... but I'll take that over nothing at all.

CLC said...

God, it sounds like we have all felt this way. Before I even delivered Hannah, I asked the doctor when we could start trying again. And I felt like the doctor was looking at me like I was crazy. But it sounds like he's probably used to that question coming from deadbabymoms.

I don't know if another baby will make it better or not. The sad reality is that C@leb is not here, and I am guessing that he's the one you want. I guess a new baby could bring any of us some joy, but I think if people look at us closely enough, we will always have the sad eyes because there is one person that will always be missing. I feel badly for the women you mention who suffered this alone a long time ago.

Dude, what is up with your OBitch? I hope you have found a new one. Sounds like she needs a course in compassion.

Tash said...

Alright, I'm the loner. I'm totally not here. Not only do I not have eggs to put a proverbial basket, I just don't want to go through the whole damn thing again. I told myself before Maddy was born that I was done, and dammit, I'm pretty sure I still mean it. Not only don't I think it will make things remotely "right," but it will REALLY screw with me, not just during the pregnancy, delivery, and aftermath, but I probably won't accept a living child is actually here until s/he's in 2nd grade. And what fun is that? I will be so detached I'll be one of those women you read about who gives birth in the bathroom and doesn't know it.

Honestly, i really can't imagine it. At all.

STE said...

I could have written so much of this post. There's also something about the joy and hope that's surrounds a pregnancy before experiencing a loss like this. I know I wanted that joy and hope back, I still do, even though I was sick every day of the 20 weeks I was pregnant. There was hope there. I think that's what's driving me. We are SO not ready to try again, and we know it.

At my 2 week post-partum appointment, my OB (after telling me I had a gross uterine infection) asked us if we wanted a prescription for birth control. We almost laughed out loud in his face. Took us 2 years to get pg, we desperately want children, and there was nothing happening down there at *least* as long as I had the infection. Not much danger of pg here.

Tricia said...

I did go on to have two babies (one immediately planned, in fact his due date was my first son's anniv and one that was a surprise) but I didn't have children before my son's death.

Obviously our situation is not the same but one thing came to mind when I read your post...

When my husband and I decided to have a baby, we were also decided to raise a baby. Having my son but having to say goodbye did not fill the desire to raise a baby. My second son did fill some of that void...not all because I still longed for my first son but my arms were not empty. I was distracted by a newborn, which brings both good and bad emotions.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think it's bad that you're thinking about another baby. Just like there is no right way to handle a silent birth, there is no right way to the path taken after a silent birth.

Seven_Shades_of_Red said...

We're only human! Don't beat yourself up with guilt... you try because you want a child, not necessarily because you want to replace the one(s) you lost!

Lisa b said...

OBitch is a fitting name. Who the hell is in this biz and can be so facking stupid to say that?
I'm sorry you had to endure her.
Thinking of you and your basket.

Julia said...

Dude, I hadn't delivered yet when I was asking my doc about "the next time," and he was answering, without batting an eye. They know it's normal.

What you are feeling now is normal too. As is not wanting to "go out" delivering a dead baby. All normal. And none of it makes things any easier.

I know you will find your way eventually. A few drinks along the way are not a bad thing either.

niobe said...

If I'm lucky, I might end up with a baby some other way. But once I developed preeclampsia, I knew that that would be my last pregnancy. The risks are just too great for me to go through it ever again.

Coggy said...

I don't know what to think about anything any more. I'm pretty sure that having another baby isn't going to fix me and sure isn't going to make me suddenly happy. The more time passes the more I realize this.

On the other hand I want a family more than I anything so I have no choice but to keep trying. With every month that passes I just end up feeling like more of a failure, which in itself is not helping me any.

Wanna try the head in the sand pretend I'm we're TTC approach I'm adopting? Not sure it's going to work, but as I have no control over what's going to happen I'm sick of running it round my tiny mind.

Arrrggghhhh! It's all just one screwed up mind-bending thing after another after another after another right now

Coggy said...

that should say the we're not TTC approach..

.. see my brain is completely addled.

Brooke said...

I relate to so much of this post. Right now the only thing that gets me through the days is thinking about when we can try to get pregnant again.

Im equally terrified of being pregnant again, I know that I will never enjoy a minute of another pregnancy after this...

charmedgirl said...

"That a healthy, alive baby will be my "Get out of Dead Baby Land Free" pass."

i'll take a "get out of DBL pass," but CHRIST ABOVE is it NOT FREE.

(and the more i try to run away from here the more i realize the price.)

Lainey-Paney said...

When we lost Masyn, I couldn't imagine getting pregnant in the immediate future---or any time that I would have been still pregnant with Masyn. Does that make sense?
Well, my husband was ready to start trying again before I was... I for some reason, just felt like I should wait....I should allow a certain amount of time....
I don't know...it was just how my brain worked at the time...

iheartchocolate said...

My heart hurts reading this. (I am going backwards through your posts)

I can understand this idea as coping, I can imagine I would have the very same thoughts.