I was sitting at my daughter's ballet class yesterday, enjoying some mindless banter with the other mom's, including my friend whose baby son was just born healthy 3 weeks ago...sigh...We were talking about the big important issues, such as, "Why is it that famous people always die naked?",that was good for a few laughs and we decided that as long as we all stayed dressed we likely would never die.
The conversation turned into a discussion of drugs and depression, and I guess maybe I should have seen it coming although I doubt it. I was having so much fun, albeit laughing at someone else, but still...I'll take anything these days, when new mom friend said she had started back on birth control pills. I was thinking she was going to say she had started on anti-depressants for PPD, but nope. Birth control. Geez, I have been trying to get pregnant or stay pregnant for so long now, I can't even remember the last time I even thought about birth control, mine or anyone elses for that matter. One of the other mom's who I don't think knows about, argh 'my history', piped in with a, "What, you don't want to go out and get pregnant right away??" I could feel myself getting smaller and smaller in my chair. The joy of the moment gone. Laughter stopped. My new mom friend replied, "Oh my God no. I would die if I got pregnant again. I am sooo done!" I am now wishing I could just evaporate, just disappear. I am back to being dead baby mom. Dead baby mom who so desperately wants another baby that I wake up everyday crying that I am not pregnant and maybe, probably never will be again. The noise has started again. Fun over. The other mom says that after her last baby she would have nightmares about getting pregnant again and wake up terrified because she thought she was pregnant. Holy Christ. Please let class end, please take me away from here. Please shut the fuck up. Please.
Class ended, little girls in pink tutu's come running out in tap shoes, anxious to share their new dance moves. I grab my little girl, and my other friends daughter who I am taking home, rush them out the door and into the car. I turn the music up loud to stop the noise and to hopefully keep the tears at bay as we drive away.
It had been such a beautiful day, but some asshole fucked it up.
P.S. Still no spell check...can you tell?? Does anyone know WTF is up?