Saturday, February 16, 2008

It's a Beautiful Day....Not








I was sitting at my daughter's ballet class yesterday, enjoying some mindless banter with the other mom's, including my friend whose baby son was just born healthy 3 weeks ago...sigh...We were talking about the big important issues, such as, "Why is it that famous people always die naked?",that was good for a few laughs and we decided that as long as we all stayed dressed we likely would never die.

The conversation turned into a discussion of drugs and depression, and I guess maybe I should have seen it coming although I doubt it. I was having so much fun, albeit laughing at someone else, but still...I'll take anything these days, when new mom friend said she had started back on birth control pills. I was thinking she was going to say she had started on anti-depressants for PPD, but nope. Birth control. Geez, I have been trying to get pregnant or stay pregnant for so long now, I can't even remember the last time I even thought about birth control, mine or anyone elses for that matter. One of the other mom's who I don't think knows about, argh 'my history', piped in with a, "What, you don't want to go out and get pregnant right away??" I could feel myself getting smaller and smaller in my chair. The joy of the moment gone. Laughter stopped. My new mom friend replied, "Oh my God no. I would die if I got pregnant again. I am sooo done!" I am now wishing I could just evaporate, just disappear. I am back to being dead baby mom. Dead baby mom who so desperately wants another baby that I wake up everyday crying that I am not pregnant and maybe, probably never will be again. The noise has started again. Fun over. The other mom says that after her last baby she would have nightmares about getting pregnant again and wake up terrified because she thought she was pregnant. Holy Christ. Please let class end, please take me away from here. Please shut the fuck up. Please.

Class ended, little girls in pink tutu's come running out in tap shoes, anxious to share their new dance moves. I grab my little girl, and my other friends daughter who I am taking home, rush them out the door and into the car. I turn the music up loud to stop the noise and to hopefully keep the tears at bay as we drive away.

It had been such a beautiful day, but some asshole fucked it up.

P.S. Still no spell check...can you tell?? Does anyone know WTF is up?

8 comments:

Coggy said...

What a shit day. I think, apart from the obvious list of why this sucks, it sucks so bad when you are being normal and then up creeps deadbabywhitenoise and you there - bang! Right back in it.

PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy said...

Dammit, dammit, dammit all to hell! I'm sorry you had to have someone fuck up your perfectly good day! I totally agree with Coggy. Too many stupid people walk the face of this earth and as you said once before the gene pool lifeguard had his damned head turned with that one!

c. said...

People were stupid even before I became a deadbaby mom. In fact, I think I may have said the very same thing just after K. was born. What I wouldn't give to shut myself up and all those idiots who take live babies for granted. F.u.c.k 'em.

Julia said...

Geez, sensitivity, anyone?
I'll say it again-- how hard is it to consider who you are talking to? The one who didn't know was just being clueless, but the one who started that? How hard is it to remember you are talking to someone for whom this is a slightly touchy subject. Beh!

So sorry you had this fun experience.

Susan said...

I've been in similar situations, and they are so painful. Sometimes, when I felt unusually bold (read: insane) I would go ahead and let the dialogue in my head come out. Nothing too heavy, just a light comment like, "Wow, I can't even remember the last time I thought about birth control," or "If only it was that easy for all of us!" Or something like that. Occasionally it would work to steer the conversation some other direction, but amazingly to me, most of the time it didn't seem to change the direction of the conversation at all.

I'm sorry. I really wish it would have been antidepressants instead of bcp.

missing_one said...

I think having living kids is a double-edged sword.

Yes, we are now even more grateful to have them, but we also have to redefine ourselves..

Before we had kids, we were us, then we had kids and we were mommys and hung out with the mommy crew..
now....where the hell are we?

It does get easier. Most of the time now, I expect those things will come up. and when they do, I mostly just shrug it off and although I don't contribute to the conversation, I'm able to ride it out without so much emotion welling up...

Hang in THERE!!!!!

charmedgirl said...

god that makes me so glad i'm stuck in the house right now...

a- said...

Sucks doesn't it? I've started to let it fly-however it flies when I hear stuff like that. ugh!