Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Signs revisited.

I'm at a loss for words. There is so much going through my head and yet I can't speak intelligently about any of it. We are mere days away from knowing how this will all turn out and I still can't picture that happy ending. I try to, I really do. But it just seems so unrealistic to me that I am reduced to tears almost immediately and have to change the subject in my head. Morbidly, it is actually easier for me to imagine how I will react to the bad ending, what I will do differently this time, how I will make decisions, what I want done for the baby. It's awful, really awful. Then, even when I can think about a live baby, there is something wrong with it. They missed Downs in the nuchal screen and 5 million ultra sounds I've had, or some other horrible, life altering disease or diagnosis that will be delivered to us along with our baby.
There is something in my head that has convinced me I don't deserve a healthy, alive baby. That I have been greedy and I should have stopped with the two beautiful children I have. Many months ago I wrote about "signs" and I pondered the notion that the universe was trying to tell me something with my miscarriage and then the f'ed D & C and then of course Caleb. I am back there now, wondering if I forged ahead, ignoring the warnings and on Monday, I will be handed a child who is so severely ill that our entire lives will be consumed by the care of this little one. And I will forever look back and say, I should have listened. I should have been happy with what we had. I deserved this because I was....I don't even know.
I'm not proud of what I have been thinking, but it is what it is. F'ed up. Kinda like me. I know it's too late to do anything and I should just let it go until I know, but it's hard. There is something about being a db mom that makes me, maybe others too, feel undeserving of anything good any more. I am always looking around the corner, waiting, knowing it is coming. Learning the hardest way that you can walk into a doctor's office a shiny, happy pregnant person and walk out an empty shell of the person you knew, never to be the same again. Never able to trust that anything good will come your way or that anything good ever lasts and isn't always topped off by a heaping dose of 'take that'.
Sometimes, if I am still and I feel the leprechaun moving, I just want to freeze the world and keep everything just as it is. Perfect for that moment.
I'm headed down another long dark tunnel, I don't know what is waiting for me at the other end anymore. But as I think I said before, I sure as hell hope that the light I see isn't a train headed straight for me.

How's that for a 100th post??


CLC said...

I can't even imagine the head games I will be playing with myself one week out. I guess it's normal? I agree wholeheartedly with your notion that we do not "deserve" anything good, especially when it comes to babies. It would be actually a laughable statement if it were coming from a non-deadbabymama. But as hard as I try to convince myself that I didn't deserve to have Hannah die, I don't think I ever succeed 100%. I am sorry you feel this way too. I am thinking about you all the time, waiting and willing Monday to come quickly. I pray, pray, pray that you are wrong and are handed a healthy screaming baby in a few days!! Hang in there, it's almost over.

Tash said...

Um, Happy 100?

Think of it this way: no matter WHAT happens, good, bad, indifferent (I'm not sure what indifferent is when having a baby, but play along) your life will change. Your life will be different from that point forward.

Lately I'm stripping things of their odds and saying "it will happen, or it won't." And although that's a bit morbid going down to 50/50, it's also strangely liberating. Here's to things happening. In a good way.

c. said...

It is what it is, K. It is what it is.

I can't believe we're only days away, K. (I use "we" like I had any part of this!) I can't believe that baby is almost here, that you've almost made it to that "end" we've aspired to for so long. I am so hopeful for a happy ending, K, so hopeful that you'll realize something good again. And I know that means shit in the whole scheme of things, but I had to say it all the same.

Big hugs to you, hon. I'm literally counting down the seconds until Monday. XO.

janis said...

Life after a loss is just freaky hard. And this last leg? shitty hard.
Holding my breath and crossing my fingers real hard for you. xoxo

Cara said...

I'm with C. - in fact I have that phrase on my wall, "it is what it is" - and if today is a long black tunnel, then so be it.

For sure, when they hand you a healthy, screaming baby, that will be what it is as well - fxing amazing!!!

Aunt Becky said...


Deep breath, my friend. I don't have any other good advice unless I want to sound like my mother. Which would be me saying, "Drink some water!" "Go sit in the sunshine!"

Hang in there and call if you need someone to talk to. I'll be here, sitting on my butt.

Ange said...

Oh honey. God I too cannot imagine what its like to be "down that end" the thought of it scares me too. And everything you said about even if we get our babies out alive, will there be something wrong. God I think about all of that too. Trying not to go there often but my mind still takes me there. Its only days left and I am thinking of you often. So close sooo so close... xxxx

Michele said...

You DO deserve a healthy, happy baby. You didnt do anything wrong at all and what happened wasn't you being punished. Sweetie, if anyone deserves this happy ending, it's you. I know this will be okay. It just has to be.

Reese said...

I don't believe that the gods are conspiring against you (us). I think we just had bad luck. You deserve your baby because you will take care and cherish that baby.

A week out. Wow. That is so amazing. How about you let us be happy and excited for you while you fester and try to get through this week the best you can? How about that?

Thinking of you. Knowing in my heart things will be wonderful and right on Monday.....


charmedgirl said...

sometimes when i have that kind of thinking (not that i'm pregnant or anything, just generally) i scold myself for thinking i'm "special" or "lucky"...good or bad, the universe doesn't give a shit about teaching us lessons! not that i'm trying to scold you or anything (well maybe a little tiny bit)...anyway, just keep riding these waves right onto shore, ok? and just keep typing it all out so it doesn't stay festering inside that head. i can't believe it's monday!!!!!!!