So I left something out back when I wrote on St. Patrick's Day. A little white lie. Not really a lie, more a lie of omission, but since I am not a politician or a Catholic priest, these things matter to me, so here is the whole truth.
That was also the day that I peed on the proverbial stick and much to my surprise I got two lines. It seems we have managed to get pregnant again. I know this is not an easy read for many, so feel free to cross me off your list of blogs you read, I completely understand. I haven't even really wanted to think about it myself, much less talk about it. Both the husband and I have been in denial, he suggested moving to Alaska until we know one way or another how this will all end, but sadly that is not a realistic option.
I suspect many around me have already guessed what is going on but the beauty of the 'dead baby mama' syndrome is that no one will dare ask me anything, so for now we are all pretending this second elephant is also not in attendance during our conversations...I find I have less and less to talk about with folks as a result, the dead baby is a no go for most and now this alive potential one is too. I guess I can't win.
I 've had two ultrasounds, both of which included me crying and trying to answer the techs questions. Lots of fun. The first was to check for viability, the tech was the same one who did my nuchal scan with Caleb, I told her what had happened and she was sweet but she also gave me the "those things never happen" line, which I don't find comforting at all, as "those things" actually did in fact happen to me very, very recently. I think she was trying to get me to believe lightning wouldn't strike twice, but I don't and won't until I have a baby that proves it.
Today I had another scan because the doc(not OBitch, new doc, new office) couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. You can imagine where I went emotionally after that. I was sobbing by the time I got in the scan room. The tech, same one, had no idea why I was crying, so I tried to explain it to her through my tight throat. She was great tho, she just had me lay back and within a second she said, "The baby is fine, LOOK!" And I did, and lo and behold, there was the little leprechaun, my St. Paddy's day surprise, rolling around with a beating heart and what appears to be all the right parts too.
In the beginning, everyday I woke up and would say, if it has to happen(the loss, the bad things) let it be now, early, before I get attached and up until today I was still thinking if it happens now I'll be ok but, I don't really believe that anymore. It's not that I am attached yet it's just that I am also not at all ready to lose it either, and no matter what I think I can handle, I know it will suck the life right out of me if I do.
So for now I am 11 weeks pregnant, scared and the tiniest bit hopeful that maybe with a little luck, this leprechaun of mine will make it out of me alive...