Monday, May 5, 2008

On leprechauns, luck and little white lies...

So I left something out back when I wrote on St. Patrick's Day. A little white lie. Not really a lie, more a lie of omission, but since I am not a politician or a Catholic priest, these things matter to me, so here is the whole truth.
That was also the day that I peed on the proverbial stick and much to my surprise I got two lines. It seems we have managed to get pregnant again. I know this is not an easy read for many, so feel free to cross me off your list of blogs you read, I completely understand. I haven't even really wanted to think about it myself, much less talk about it. Both the husband and I have been in denial, he suggested moving to Alaska until we know one way or another how this will all end, but sadly that is not a realistic option.
I suspect many around me have already guessed what is going on but the beauty of the 'dead baby mama' syndrome is that no one will dare ask me anything, so for now we are all pretending this second elephant is also not in attendance during our conversations...I find I have less and less to talk about with folks as a result, the dead baby is a no go for most and now this alive potential one is too. I guess I can't win.
I 've had two ultrasounds, both of which included me crying and trying to answer the techs questions. Lots of fun. The first was to check for viability, the tech was the same one who did my nuchal scan with Caleb, I told her what had happened and she was sweet but she also gave me the "those things never happen" line, which I don't find comforting at all, as "those things" actually did in fact happen to me very, very recently. I think she was trying to get me to believe lightning wouldn't strike twice, but I don't and won't until I have a baby that proves it.
Today I had another scan because the doc(not OBitch, new doc, new office) couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. You can imagine where I went emotionally after that. I was sobbing by the time I got in the scan room. The tech, same one, had no idea why I was crying, so I tried to explain it to her through my tight throat. She was great tho, she just had me lay back and within a second she said, "The baby is fine, LOOK!" And I did, and lo and behold, there was the little leprechaun, my St. Paddy's day surprise, rolling around with a beating heart and what appears to be all the right parts too.
In the beginning, everyday I woke up and would say, if it has to happen(the loss, the bad things) let it be now, early, before I get attached and up until today I was still thinking if it happens now I'll be ok but, I don't really believe that anymore. It's not that I am attached yet it's just that I am also not at all ready to lose it either, and no matter what I think I can handle, I know it will suck the life right out of me if I do.
So for now I am 11 weeks pregnant, scared and the tiniest bit hopeful that maybe with a little luck, this leprechaun of mine will make it out of me alive...

26 comments:

G said...

Oh Kal! I knew when your talk of booze tapered off something was "wrong" with you :)

I am so happy to read this. My heart was in my throat reading that you had to get the second u/s today. I am so glad things look good.

You and the little leprechaun will be in my thoughts.

xo

Amy said...

I am so HAPPY for you! Seriously! Congratulations! You are in my thoughts and on my hope list! Take good care!

Tash said...

Sending you lots of peaceful vibes, K. I can't imagine how tough it must be, tending to the dead and the living like this, hoping beyond hope and seeing the same faces. Thinking of you and the shamrock.

Sarah said...

Oh hooray for you! We're in a whole new club aren't we - the dare-I-be-optimistic-even-though-I'm-scared-shitless -and-statistics-don't-comfort-me club. Here's to a wholly uneventful pregnancy :)

CLC said...

Wow, Kalakaly, I am so excited for you! I want to use the "c" word, but I am sure that doesn't have the same meaning now. But I hope that this is the most boring, uneventful pregnancy you ever experience. I will be holding my breath the whole time for you. I am sure you have lots of anxiety, but just remember to take one day at a time. And please know, that we are hear to listen to whatever anxiety you might have. Wishing you well, and hoping and praying for a wonderful outcome. XO

Olive Lucy said...

sending you some optimist vibes and peaceful comfort vibes... the PG after loss road isn't any easier than the grief one... but aleast you don;t have to see OBitch for check ups.

Reese said...

This is great news...

I wish you more weeks, less stress, no conflicts & big, beautiful baby!

c. said...

You know how I feel about this: I'm thrilled for you. Over the moon that hope might be sneaking back into your life. So happy to hear the scan went well today, K. 11 weeks. That sounds nice. XO.

janis said...

Keep going, little heart! My best wishes... everything crossed for you...

kate said...

Wow, congratulations! First time i have clicked on your blog for awhile and i am so glad to see this news! (i am still catching up, slowly & poorly, from my blog break...)

Aunt Becky said...

I take it all back about the roses being the best part of the day.

THIS is the best part of my day. I'm crying now, but in a happy way for once!

Which Box said...

I'm really happy for you. All the best.

Ya Chun said...

good luck and breathe.....

niobe said...

Wow. Thinking good thoughts about you and your leprechaun.

Ashleigh said...

So thrilled for you! I'm crossing everything i have and holding my breath and all that junk for you!

like you said to me- just hang there.........

iheartchocolate said...

Although I am not able to really comprehend everything, maybe it's helpful to know someone is thinking of you. So-just know, I am. I didn't read every post, I honestly don't think I can. I look forward to following and hope the very best for you.

Jennifer said...

Oh my God! I am so happy for you. What wonderful news. I am thinking of you and your family. I can't wait to read more about your pregnancy.

Jen

Antigone said...

Almost 12 weeks now? Yowsers. So no more wine? :-(

Brenda - you can now find me at : www.wordpress.lifecanbeashit.wordpress.com said...

Wonderful news! Congratulations to you both.
I know just how you feel. I had the same thing happen to me with a doppler at about 14 weeks and was sent for a scan and all was fine. I also wished for any horrible things to go wrong sooner rather than later.
Im sure the next 5 or so months will go very smoothly! I hope the rest of your pregnancy is nice and boring.

Hugs
xxx

Coggy said...

Sorry it took me so long to get round here. You know I'm just a sad assed jealous bitch so you can excuse me just this once ;o)

Seriously I'm massively chuffed for you. I'm going to say the c word in a minutes so be warned.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julia said...

Because I suck exactly this much, it took me a week to get to this part of my reader. Sorry about that.
This is great news. So happy for you! I know the road so far and the road ahead is a bumpy bitch (boy, do I know!), but it turns out there is no way to get to the outcome we want but over it. How rude is that? I am hoping for some zen for you and some semblance of a fine imitation of Alaska.
Best to you and yours!

Alice said...

I'm so glad you are pregnant again. I hope it works out for you this time. I know that it's hard to believe in it. I don't believe in any of that stuff any more. But nevertheless I feel sure you'll be OK.

Alice

a- said...

Adding you to my list of those for whom I wish only happy endings.

Zackery's Mom said...

Just stopping by to wish you a quick uneventful 9 months!
It doesn't get any easier no matter how many rainbow babies you have had!
Just remember to breathe!

Ange said...

Oh really that is such wonderful news. Am really pleased for you and will watch your journey and send good vibes often. Am a bit slow in catching up these days...

MissingYouAlways said...

that is wonderful news. and I wish and will pray for you and a healthy happy pregnancy and baby