Monday, January 7, 2008

I want out of "the club".

It's not that I don't like you all. In fact, you're probably the best friends I've had, especially in these past months. Despite the fact that I could sit next to you in a restaurant, or walk past you on the street and never even know it was you. (Unless at some point we all do the group tattoo thing I suggested over at charmed girls place:)) Or you were brave enough to post your picture on your blog, but still, that would mean I would have to use my powers of recall and observation, and lets just say, it's a pretty safe bet, you'd get past me.
It's just that on some days, okay, all days or at least most days, it's just so unbelievably, overwhelmingly, life alteringly (I know probably not a "real" word...eff you Webster) SAD, being in this club.
It's not that I don't love reading your blogs, (is it sicko to love reading over and over about how another mom, just like me or maybe completely different than me, has a dead baby too)Maybe love is the wrong word????
It's just that it's torture to know so many are walking through this life with this horrible, terrible, dead baby ache and all I can do is watch and occasionally post a random pithy comment or maybe a xxoo (((hug)) and then just sit back and watch again. And feel helpless.
We all have such different voices. Some of you write with side splitting humor, some with mind bending and thought provoking information, some with a door open to your soul, some with downright cheerfulness(sometimes). So I've grown accustomed to waking up and going to this really great cyber cocktail party, where when I first got there, I didn't know anyone and was a bit nervous about being there but after the first moments, I found out everyone at this uber cool cocktail party seemed to know me better than I knew myself and it was great. The best party ever, except for that one thing. That dead baby thing.
And it's that thing, everyday. Especially on the "cheerful" blogs. Maybe those are the hardest to read. The ones I go to, to find a happy place, after I've visited with everyone and instead one day I find them in a not so happy place, and then it hits me, as though I needed reminding, I am not at a cocktail party, I'm at a dead baby club meeting.
It kinda reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode where in the beginning, you see a lovely woman and she's shopping at a department store and she's trying to return an item she purchased and the store manager sends her to the "Top Floor" to customer service. When she gets there every one's really nice, except that they are all mannequins, and so is she. She was just out on "mannequin furlough" and caught a glimpse of life on the other side and now she has to go back and be stuck being a mannequin again. She can't get out of it. I feel like that mannequin. I know there is that whole other world out there, that normal world, but I am not allowed to go back.
So I've decided, I want out of this club. I desperately want out and I want to take all of you with me.
Except, I didn't get to choose to join and apparently, as fate would have it, I don't get to choose to leave either.
That sucks.
That so sucks.
This just so f*ing sucks.

*This post in no way, implies, infers or pretends to represent, that any of you are mannequins:)


a- said... now you want out huh? First you want to love me and now leave me-that your style now? ;)Payback baybee!

I highly doubt that you'd get past me because part of being southern is being nosey and asking a whole bunch of questions to complete strangers one of which would be "Oh you have kids? Have any died on you? To which you would say yes and we'd rehash everything over a nice cup of coffee and muffins.

Anyway, I remember the first someone "welcoming" me to the "club" and at first I found it to be as you said "just so unbelievably, overwhelmingly, life alteringly (I know probably not a "real" word...eff you Webster) SAD." I kept thinking that if I repeated THIS IS NOT MY REALITY that I would wake up. But you know what? After reading that "welcome", I also felt the oppressiveness of being "alone" disappear completely and that is because of chics like you.

Chin up now! Big manequins don't cry uh-kay?

c. said...

I think it was charmedgirl who referred to this as being the dead baby mafia. Once you're in, there's only one way out. It feels that way, doesn't it. I really, really, really wish I didn't have to be here. I hate being here, in fact, because being here means I have to have a dead baby. But being here also means that I can at least get some comfort (in a strange, totally screwed up way), that I can feel part of something again because I really don't feel I belong in the regular world anymore. And you're right: This sucks. Anyway you look at it, it so sucks!
XXOO ((hugs))

kalakly said...

a-, You being southern, me being a Gemini...would probably lead to alot of coffee's and ask a lot of ?'s and I, will answer and then some and then some more.

Thx C.-right back at ya, one mafia mommy to another:)

Jennifer said...

If you find a way to break out of this mannequin world take me with you! It sucks being here, but selfishly, I'm glad that if I HAVE to be here that I am surrounded by other mannequins like me.

Coggy said...

Yup sorry it is the mafia there's only one way out and it's not really the way you want to go. 'fraid you're stuck with us.
Like I've said before it's a sh*t club to belong to and there are not even any daytrips to look forward to.
It would be hilarious to actually hold a deadbabymom cocktail party. I don't know how, MSN messenger or something, just sit on line and get hammered. Would probably be the most nonsensical conversation ever. And how we would work that when I live in the UK and you lot in the states & canada I'm not sure. I could just stay up really late and you could all start drinking really early.
Seriously though, it does suck and I'm sorry you're having a get me out of this kind of day. I'm resigned to it now I think. It is comforting to know you are out there, somedays it's all that gets me through.
C x x x

Debbie said...

When you get the ticket out of this club, let me know where to find mine!
It does suck to be here, but like everyone else here, I'm glad to slowly be stumbling on other bloggers who *know* how I feel.

charmedgirl said...

dammit! c beat me to my own comment!! hehe..

because after all, it IS the deadbabymafia! no matter how hard you try to get out, it will suck you back in.

in fact, over the holiday, i took a break from being deadbabymama. i stopped reading blogs, posting, emails halted, everything. i tried! and it sucked so much worse. i couldn't believe it, but it was like i stopped taking my medication.

now...the deadbabymama convention. i say we all get on a plane to LONDON. i need a vacation!

c. said...

By the way, I think your group tat idea is a FABOULOUS one, Kalakly ;o)

kalakly said...

Okay ladies,

First it's transcontinental cocktails with Coggy, then we're all going across the pond for tats!

Look out come's the dead baby mafia!