2:00 a.m.

I'm up.

Usually am, not a.m. but am. I used to really love 2:00 a.m..

In high school, I stayed up that late, inside my cozy bedroom, inside my parents cozy home, watching Quincy, St. Elsewhere and Hill Street Blues reruns, and I imagined what the world was doing outside my little cozy life that was so much more important(read exciting) and fun and worth losing sleep over. And I dreamed that soon I would be a part of that too.

In college, I lived for staying up late. Staying up late meant all night cramming, big dreams, last call and usually PIZZA!!! or when the green backs were short, TOP RAMEN!!! It was all good, well, umm, not the cramming, that part was usually filled with a whole shit load of "Why didn't I take better notes?" "Fuck, do you think he'll/she'll(Professor) get into that much detail????" "Jesus F*ing Christ, Why did I take an 8:00a.m.class on Friday's?????" But in a crazy way, the cramming still felt fun, a rite of passage, an entitlement of sorts...I mean really, what's not fun about going to get a late nite study "food break" and then when the bill comes not even being close to the $$ total (and this was WAYYYY before debit cards and banks that gave credit cards to teenagers.) Yep, one of my fondest 2a.m. memories was sitting at the counter of a not so glamorous diner in downtown S.F. while my college roomie hightailed it back to the dorms to knock on doors gathering loose change and the ever treasured quarters(laundry money was harder to come by than pure gold) while I sat at said counter, making polite idle conversation with my technicolored and ummm, welll, "inebrieated'" cohorts. I was scared shitless who knew how long it would take my roomie to scare up the cash needed to bail us out... but, the ever resourceful gal made good and I was outta there. And it became a 2a.m. story of lore.

In law school, 2:00a.m. became a little scary. It was usually followed by an 8:00a.m. exam or lecture where you pretty much knew your ass was gonna be drilled for information you knew you should have known but you just didn't get there. But it also held magic. New friendships, different perspectives, opportunity, well, and yeah, just a little in the way of cocktails and the occasional sport f*ck...but I digresss.

In the spirit of being honest, I did lots of stuff at 2 a..m that I don't feel like writing about now but I can sum it up in one of my dh's favorite stories about me...and then us too. We were watching a late night 2:00a.m. show on HBO, "Real Sex", great fun, if it's still on I highly recommend it. Anyway, we were watching it sometime before we were married and not long after we had become engaged, when one of the "Street interviews" (i.e. the show stops ordinary, drunk, I mean willing folks to chat) and right there on the screen was someone I "knew'. I sat up, (It's 2 a.m., come on, I am in bed) and delighted in screeching to my then "dF"(okay dear fiancee) ,"OMG, I slept with him when I was in a law school!!" And then to add tit for tat, and to explain why we will never break up over infidelity my "dF" said "Well,...law of averages." And we laughed and did other fun 2 a.m. stuff. So 2 a.m. was not lost on us, ever....

Being engaged...2 a.m....yeah, what's that saying about put a penny in the jar everytime you have sex the first year you're together and then, take one out everytime after that and see if you ever empty the jar. We filled the jar up. We bought another jar too. Not on purpose, just cuz it turned out 2 a.m. worked for us....a lot.

Being married. Okay, so get ready to laugh. We had lived together pretty much since our first date, he "slept over" just about from the first night we said "Nice to meet you." And we had the 'nice to meet you sex' the whole two years until our wedding. And then we had the whole wedding thing, beautiful wedding, my parents spent WAYYYYY more than they should have and it was amazing. And that night, as we lay in our "wedding bed', EXHAUSTED, we both wanted to sleep soooooooooooooo badly and then we rolled over to say good night and we, in the most sadly,desperate of all wedding night romantic interludes said, "Boy, how pathetic are we if we don't have sex on our wedding night? " So we did. And it wasn't half bad.

One year anniversary. I knew way more about the 2a.m. sex than he did. Over a really nice, I mean really nice, $$$$$$$$$$$$, dinner...I told him all I knew. He panicked. It wasn't 2 a.m. yet but we got there, and past it, talking about it. That 2 a.m. chat became: 1+1=3. And that's exactly what we put on our birth announcements, about 8 1/2 months later.

The next year. 2 a.m. FUCK YOU. OMG, will I ever sleep again?????????? "Get the baby!", "No I have the baby", "My nipple is going to fall off, please just bottle the baby tonight." "PLLEEAASSEEEE.............JUST LET ME SLEEP......it's 2 a.m."

The next years. "I miss waking up with the baby." Oh, how I love watching the baby at 2 a.m. while he's sleeping, it's the most amazing thing ever. And when he wakes up, yeah, I'm tired but ohhh, how I love sitting in that rocker, holding him close, telling him over and over and beliveing it, everything is going to be alright. Cuz for now, I can deliver on that promise. 2 a.m. is MY time with my baby, it's perfect.

The next year. How about that. We did it again. (and again for those who need to know, a miscarriage and a really icky d & c did interrupt our decidedly perfectly flawed famliy...on Friday, October 13, a full moon....but not at 2 a.m.. nope just an ordinary, middle of the day tragedy). We moved on and focused on the positive, on the possibility of life and we got really, really lucky. We got pregnant, she was born and she lived. I used to think that was a given, now I know, I really know, she's a gift.

2.a.m..(next year) FUCK! Will this child never sleep? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, sleepless nights on the couch in front of the baby swing. At some point, right around 2 a.m. , screaming to a helpless infant, who is also crying, "PLEASE STOP!!!!!!!!!I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED SLLLLEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP". It's 2 a.m. we should be sleeping. I go get husband and rudely awaken him to be sure that my not sleeping is okay with him........yeah.........NO.

Fast foward to a few years later...both babies(now kids) are sleeping. it's 2 a.m...we're up. How about 3??????? Let's go for three!! OOOOOHHHH FUN!! Yay!

BFP...we're good! It's all good. Wait.

2 a.m. I am spotting.

I am back.

Back in the dead baby mom club.

2 a.m. try again.

2 a.m. try again.

2 a .m. try again.

It goes on and on.. but we don't laugh about being pathetic anymore.


And then....BFP.

And then....check the old posts.

Caleb Robert.

2 a.m.

I slept through 2 a.m. while I was in labor with Caleb.

I think in my whole life it was the most important 2 a.m. and I slept through it. I don't think I could have changed the outcome, I don't think it would have mattered more to my baby Caleb, I just wish I could say or know, that I didn't sleep through his last moments here, that I had at least, stayed awake while he died.................

2 a.m. in the hospital, I am a mom to 3, but have only 2 "left" and now I am trying to decide with my dh what to do..what to do with a baby, a body, an autopsy, a cremation, a burial, and FUCKING A, please, please make the priest go AWAY!!!!!!! (We, at some point, were asked our religious 'affiliation' and we said none, which means at a Catholic hospital, where we were, they will try , no matter what, to get you to join the club). He did go away, I felt bad too b/c I know he only came to try and bring me/us comfort but it's not us, and he left. I heard him exhale as he walked off...he was polite, he left without question, and I still wanted to crease his scalp with an ashtray, or at least a bedpan. Maybe not him, just all of it, but seeing as Catholics are so symbolic...his scalp seems, well, I don't know, a bullseye? (And then I pray to the God I don't really know, please, don't let my new friends leave here b/c I just wrote that>>>>) Fuck..is nothing simple....

2 a.m. IRL.or not....here I am. My new 2 a.m. is dead baby blog land. And, I'd be a liar if I didn't admit it's also become a HUGE part of my 9-5 day too. To quote another blogger, "WTF??""

2 a.m. Now it's just you and me Caleb. I am here. You are not. And for the rest of my life, at 2 a.m., I am left here, without you.

And now,my life at 2 a.m... it's not fun, intriguing or all that mysterious. It's just 2 a.m.. It's just really late, I'm still up. And you'll never be here.

I hate 2 a.m..