Saturday, September 1, 2012

5 Years

5 years. Somehow, I find myself here, 5 years later, wondering what the hell I can say to honor you. I don't have new memories of you to share, new accomplishments of yours to celebrate, or new dreams I have for your future. The grief is much more subtle now, stowed away and mostly contained until a wayward butterfly swoops into the yard unexpectedly, flittering around the bushes, whispering memories of you in my heart, or when the Calla Lillies your grandma brought me 3 years ago to mark your birth, begin to sprout, and I wait, each year to see if they will blossom into a flower, which they stubbornly will not...I show them to your little brother, and this year we made a daily pilgramage to them, willing them, every morning, with soft strokes, to make a flower, to grow for baby Caleb, to grow for you. But nothing. Except that, everyday, your brother, born out of my love for you, leans down and so gently fingers those tiny plants, asking them to create something as simple and yet amazing as a bloom, for you. And when he does, he says your name. He says, 'Grow, grow, grow, little plants, make a flower for baby Caleb.' Standing beside him, hearing him wish things for you, watching him grow, holding him tight at the end of each night, asking him what he will dream of so that I can tell him I will dream the same things too, I see you, I see your flower, blooming before my eyes, within the brother you never knew but who carries you forward, effortlessly. You live Caleb. In my heart, in your little brother, in our lives. There are no words, but there is you. You will always be here. 5 years,

7 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

I'm so glad you came here to share your thoughts on what five years means to you and your family. I think of you often, and your dear boy Caleb is so missed.
xo

Tash said...

Wow, just wow.

Five is a rally odd place to be, isn't it. It's as if so much more has happened than I ever dreamed possible, and yet there's still such a long way to go.

I think about you all the time, and Caleb of course. You're all in my thoughts this week.

Sophie said...

No words really, just lots of nods. Lovely to see you hear after such a long while. xx

Coggy said...

Beautiful post K. We have a rose. This year a single flower. I guess that's progress. xxxx

CLC said...

Beautiful post. I want those flowers to bloom too. Think of you and Caleb often. Wishing we knew each other some other way...

Reese said...

Thinking of you. Can't quite believe its been five years....

runningnekkid said...

Tuesday is the third anniversary of my son's stillbirth, and this is the hardest one so far. I came today to read your post on Caleb's third birthday, but this post, on his fifth, has touched me and moved me and grieved me in the most intimate and profound ways.

I wish I knew you in real life so that I could give you a big hug and tell you thank you so much for sharing. I know your pain and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to come and write for Caleb, even though you are driven to do so. The hurting never ends. And I want you to know that I am with you. In some way, I am with you.