Thursday, September 1, 2011


No cemetary, no grave, no hilltop or ocean to call your own. Just a shelf in my bedroom and, today, a table front in the entryway, that say you were here.

There is always a lull in the days before this day. Your sister's birthday falls a mere 3 days before yours and so the weeks before are filled with plans for parties, very important discussions of what kind of cake and what special meal will make her day feel uniquely hers and fill her with all things a young lady should have on the day that marks her entry into this life she has lived.

And we celebrate her.

And then the quiet. Eventhough it is a mere 72 hours later, even today, as I saw the date, August 31, I still found myself stunned.

It's tomorrow, I say to myself. A quick glance at my cell and I see that it is the 31st, and still I am somehow stunned. It's tomorrow.

And now it's today.

Today marks the beginning of another year I will live without you. Today marks the end of the fourth year that I have lived without you.

Today marks the fourth year that you have not lived the life you should have had.

Today marks the one. thousand. four. hundred. sixty. days. that I have missed you and the life you should have had. The life we should have spent, together.

No parties, no cake, no meal of all your favorite things, I can't give you any of those things. There is no way to to show you how unique you are or how you changed our world. How you continue to change our world. There is just the quiet.

There is just Today.

Today I will light a candle, I will trace my fingers over your name on the plate that reads, "Tiny fingers hold onto me, in my heart you will always be", and I will marvel over how you and your numbered days changed me forever.

Today I will stop. Today I will hurt. Today I will ache. Today I will cry. Today I will miss you.

And in that way, today will not be like any other day.

Except that


is your day.

I love you baby boy. I love you Caleb.


Hope's Mama said...

I've been thinking about you and Caleb so much. Always do at this time of year. I'm so glad to see you've posted today. I've missed your voice here.
Happy birthday, little guy. You are loved and missed.

Tash said...

So glad that to see you in the reader today. Isn't it odd, when I hear four years I think "Meh, that's a long time," but when I hear 1460 days I think "That's hardly anything." Guess it all goes to that strange contradiction I felt.

Missing Caleb with you, and thinking of you mightily. xo

Sophie said...
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Sophie said...

Thinking of you and wished Caleb was here with you.

(sorry for the two comments...stupid typo!)

Kathy said...

Typing through my tears... What a beautiful post and moving tribute to your dear Caleb. Honoring his life and memory with you today. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Coggy said...
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Coggy said...

Sorry delete by me! Just wanted to say sorry I'm late to this. Meant to email you this morning to say I was thinking of you. Then I realise it's still a lot earlier in the day for you.

Four years. Four years. FOUR years....

Wanted to let you know I am thinking of you both xxxx

Sue said...

Thinking of you and Caleb, and your family. Sending love.

loribeth said...

So good to see a post from you in my reader. And what a beautiful post it is, a lovely tribute to Caleb. (((hugs)))

CLC said...

Sorry I am late to this too. I have been staying away for a bit. Thinking of you and Caleb. 4 years seems so long, yet hardly anything. Miss you! XOXO

runningnekkid said...

I've been reading your archives for the past few years and I don't think I've ever commented. I wanted to now because I have read this post to Caleb like a hundred times and each time it guts me in exactly the same way. Thank you so much for sharing. From one babyloss mama to another, I just wanted to let you know how cathartic it is to know that even though this grief is awful and wrenching and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, I am not alone.

I am so sorry for your loss.