Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Colors

It's happened so many times now that even I have to admit it's odd. People often say to me or the husband or the grandparents or to whomever might be holding Cason, that he has very wise eyes. That he seems an old soul. I know it sounds corny. Really corny. But still. After hearing it over and over and over again from so many different and totally unconnected sources, it's become almost unsettling.

And today, another mom who doesn't know 'the story', came up to me, as I held Cason and we cheered on his big sister as she raced valiantly in the first swim meet of the summer, and said, "He looks grateful, it seems like he is so happy to be here.", (here meaning being alive, as opposed to being at a swim meet for hours on end).

Hearing it I wanted to give her the whole story but I didn't. I haven't been one to put much stock into the whole life after death thing. Although I think it was over at Niobe's, where the idea of a soul that is destined to be born might be transferred from one baby to another if the first baby doesn't make it. I like that idea. The notion of a spirit that lingers needing a body only as a vessel, a carrier, and that the spirit is capable of surviving even if the vessel does not.

Do I think Cason is carrying Caleb's spirit? Not really. I think Cason is his own person. I don't want him to be a part of Caleb. It diminishes both of them. It reminds me of watching my daughter mixing play dough colors. It always seems like a good idea and is fun to watch at first. Taking two brightly colored and beautiful pieces of clay and rolling them together, watching them as they begin to merge, each still independent but now winding together like a barber shop poll or a candy cane. Each color unique for a while and then before you know it, the colors start to blend, they lose their vibrancy and there is no going back. You can't separate the two and you have to mix them to make just one color, one that is not as pretty as the two were separately. You realize that the mixing wasn't such a good idea after all.

I don't want either boy of mine to lose his identity. They both deserve to be vibrant in their own way and for their own life's purpose. So I hesitate to put more meaning into the recurrent comments that Cason has wise eyes or an old soul. But it's hard not to want to believe that he knows, somewhere deep down, the whole story and that maybe, just maybe, he knows even more than I do.

26 comments:

Heather said...

That's so interesting that you've gotten that comment so many times.

I agree, I think that maybe Cason knows more than you do.

G$ said...

Doesn't have to be Caleb's soul that is there, but just the love and hope and expectations got passed along, both just as vibrant.

xoxox

Michele said...

I like to think that each of us holds a piece of our ancestors... That my children are all their own people but that they not only held a piece of my "soul" but that their siblings hold pieces of theirs.

And, how true... I think our children know much more than we do... Perhaps as the real world sinks it they forget or push it aside... But, as my girlfriend once told me, they are born with the wisdom of the world...

Shannon Ryan said...

I've wondered about this often.. even before Dresden died. I believe in reincarnation, and part of me does wish for Dresden's soul to come back to me.. but even if it did, how would I know? It's kind of a pleasant thought though.. esp. when Gwen has said things on numerous occasions to me about when "Dresden comes back in a new body" and tells me not to worry, "Dresden will come back and you'll hold him again"

Hope's Mama said...

All I know is he's going to grow up to be such a kind and compassionate little boy.
xo

Which Box said...

I like that. A lot.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

First, thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me, your kind words.

I wish I knew the answer to the vessel question. I tend to believe that each soul is unique and takes on just one earthly body. I could be wrong. I know an acquaintance who believes her baby holds the spirit of another one of her children who died a few years ago (at age nine). I think that's a lot of pressure for the baby, to live up to those expectations.

Peace.

Rivalen said...

Firstly, thank you for being awesome and open and fun-to-read and, most of all, giving me some hope.

I've thought a lot about similar issues lately, and I agree that I don't want to think that my next child is one and the same with the child I lost. I think that goes to the 'replacement baby' idea, and that's not fair to either child.

Keep writing; we're reading.

janis said...

what a great analogy.
Cason could well be an old soul, but that does not mean he is Caleb.
I find a lot of comfort in the fact that there are a lot of things we do not know. Maybe there is no need to know,.

Sophie said...

Interesting post. I think about this all the time. A random palm reader told my sister that Jordan was coming back to us and now I can't really shake that thought. I want Jordan to come back so much and yet it isn't really fair to Spark. I like what Michele commented.

angie said...

I'm not sure if this is was mentioned on Niobe's blog, but in Peggy Vincent's memoir Baby Catcher, she talks about suffering a miscarriage, and her young son told her that everyone had spirit babies floating around them, that came down when a body was ready to be born. If a baby was lost, the spirit would still be around the mother waiting for the next pregnancy.

An old soul means wise, compassionate, understanding, and calm person. Whether it is from a previous life, or this one, maybe it is one of Caleb's gifts to your family. He has given everyone an opportunity to understand the world and suffering in a new, more compassionate, way, even the littlest ones. As I see my daughter get older and ask about crying and sadness and her deep concern and kindness for others, I cannot help but think Lucy has given her this gift of compassion and love. Much love.

charmedgirl said...

we'll never really know, until we die ourselves...and even then, will there be anything to know?

it's a nice thought, that spirits exist and have destinies, and that maybe you can have an inkling of your son who died.

i can't help but think, though, following that line...what does that mean about paige? was it her destiny to be dead?

i know you don't think that. and i also think your analogy is great, about the colors. cason is lucky that his mom is so smart.

Aunt Becky said...

*shivers*

Amy said...

Beautiful post! Interesting that nothing is as black and white as one once told us, there are somany "colors" on the horizon!

I agree with you, maybe we don't need to know...maybe someday we'll find out!

Hugs, love, & peace!

loribeth said...

Amazing post. I love your line of thinking.

CLC said...

beautiful post.

Fireflyforever said...

Such a profound post. Certainly, through your blog, you show us your boys' (and your girl's) vibrancy.

niobe said...

I don't really believe in souls coming back. But, at the same time, I often say to myself that Cole is, I dunno, a second chance for one of the twins to experience this world. I know, it makes no sense at all. But it comforts me immensely.

And, in my case, the whole thing is heightened by the fact that Cole came from one of the same batch of embryos that also resulted in the twins.

Tash said...

FWIW, I get this about Bella (and have since she was an infant) A LOT. Still do. In fact, one of my neighbors said outright about Bella following a conversation: "She has an old soul." To which I thought, hmm.

I don't really buy this, but I suppose if I did the souls involved would be random. Which would still make Cason and Caleb individuals to some extent, if you catch my drift.

Sue said...

This is such a gorgeous post. I've started and deleted several comments to you, with no success yet.

It is just so full of love, for all of your children, individuals, each of them.

Really, just lovely.

lyibaker said...

Maybe Cason seems so wise because you have been through Caleb's loss and passed the knowledge of that on to him. Not the pain and anguish that you feel, just the life lessons that you learned from that experience. You carried him for 9 months and he is intimately bonded to you. Maybe he shares the love and knowledge of Caleb with you.

Dalene said...

Such interesting thoughts that I'll be ruminating on for awhile. Thanks for sharing.

Kathy said...

Thank you for sharing. I found your post to be very thought provoking. I am not exactly sure what I believe about souls. I do believe that we go to Heaven after we die. I have often wondered, more so about my early pregnancy losses (as oppossed to Molly) what happens to their souls. So interesting that you have gotten so many comments about Cason's "old soulness."

Did you ever read the story of "The Brave Little Soul"? It suggests that our children pick us/their families to be born into, no matter how long or short and/or what the outcome of our pregnancies/their lives are. I posted it on my blog on the first month milestone after Molly was born and died. Though I don't really believe that is how things work, I like the idea that it could be and find it comforting.

Alice said...

I'm sure your Caso is a special child. That does happen. My son -the only survivor of six - is different to other children. And that's not just a too proud Mum talking. I think you're right to want to keep your two boys seperate. But the truth is that, if you hadn't lost one, you probably wouldn't ever have had the other. So they are connected -but in a good way. With love, Alice

Akul's mama said...

Hinduism believes in reincarnation. Another belief is that we usually know people we get close to in this birth, from another birth. I have no proof of this. It is a mere belief. Both your boys are unique. A wise soul is one that has grown and developed spiritually. You should believe what gives you the most peace. I am sorry you lost one child and am really happy you have another one to hold and love.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

P.S. Thank you for having my back. :)