Wednesday, April 8, 2009

What does luck have to do with it?

Many people in the past few days have said to me how lucky I am that what happened with Cason happened the way it did. Meaning it happened at the doctors and that I saw the hives when I did, because without a doubt if I hadn't and had instead, just put him in the car and drove home, he would have died in the car. He would be dead now. I physically shrivel at the thought.

But for these past days I have been thinking, I'm not lucky at all. I had to stand in a room and watch, I thought, my baby die. Even though I know now he didn't die, I can't change the feelings I had at that moment and I can't change the memory of it either. The searing moment when I implored my ped to save my baby, when he looked into my eyes and forcefully said, "He isn't going to die, Mrs. K., I won't let him." And I looked right back and told him, "You can't know that, you can't promise me that." Because I know too much. I know there are no promises or guarantees and I knew, even though he was calm and direct in his actions, that he too, even if he will never admit it to me, was scared shitless that my baby boy was going to die in his office right in front of us that day. And to me, that didn't feel lucky. And even after, when Cason was ok and we were home, I still didn't feel lucky. I felt angry and pissy that I had to be that scared again. That my family had to go through it, that I watched my mom age a couple decades overnight, That I saw my dad cry, again, over me and my child. That my older son once more asked if his brother was going to die and that I could see in his eyes the lost confidence in the world doing right by us.
It just didn't feel lucky. Not one bit. To me lucky would have meant not having had to live through any of it. Lucky would be getting vaccines and going home without a life threatening and life altering medical crisis happening before I got there. Or at least that's what I thought until this morning.
When I read this over at Aunt Becky's place.
And now I have been humbled back into my place and reminded just how absolutely fucking lucky I am, we were.
Cason is home, healthy. Severely allergic, but healthy. And as my husband says, we can deal with this. And he is right. I don't know how I would ever have dealt with the other outcome. The final, rip your heart out and stomp it into bits, your child is dead, outcome. The outcome that the Spohr family is living with at this very moment.
And I curse luck, fate, charma, God, whatever or whoever it is that controls the world, that manipulates our lives like puppets on strings. I don't want to know about these things. I don't want to know that not everyone gets what they deserve. I want to pull the covers up and hide away from all things dark and frightening. I want to shield my children from fear, from knowing hurt, from tears. And then, when I stop to breathe I tell myself, that is what life is. It is uncertain and scary and unfair and messy. It is joy, it is elation and it is euphoric. It is what it is.
And it makes me wonder, what does luck have to do with it?

13 comments:

Tash said...

Funny, not so very hahaha, I wrote and erased a comment on your last re: luck: about how you were either the most unfucking lucky person on the planet, or the luckiest, and how it's really shifty that way. Like a slippery live fish that keeps getting popped around, and you never know whether it's the good or bad one your trying to grab. Or something.

I hope you're all feeling a bit better. Hugs all around.

Betts said...

I guess we're all lucky when we're woken up by our children in the morning and we put them to bed again at night. Just the fact that they're still with us and we're with them.

Michele said...

I think people just dont know what to say so they say the first (stupid) thing that pops into their heads. I'm sorry you guys had to go through this again and that you had to live through another round of unbelievable terror.

Coggy said...

I'm not sure why things qualify as lucky or not any more. Really WTF? Things are what they are and we all try and make ourselves feel better about something by thinking how much worse it might have been.
The fact this happened to Cason sucks which ever way you look at it. I'm pissed you're being faced with this after everything you've been through. I'm just glad he's OK and that he will continue to be with his Mama and Papa looking out for him.

CLC said...

I keep thinking about you and Cason and the rest of your family. Like how unfair it is you had to deal with this and how you are probably scared shitless about anything and everything now. I know I am.
I don't know what to say about luck. I am heartbroken for little Maddy and her family.

G$ said...

Luck can eat my ass, seriously. So glad Cason is OK, but I would like the universe to stop "testing" you (AKA shitting on you) now.

xoxox

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I don't know if you're lucky or not. I'm grateful you still have your son. That doesn't take away fear or the despair you felt and will continue to feel. But, I'm still grateful. And I know you are too.

Peace.

Rosalind said...

Luck is a bad word in my books ... i'm grateful that the outcome was you bringing Carson home where he belongs and I curse the universe for you having to experience that in the first place ...Hug them tight and don't let him go that's what I say

janis said...

Been thinking of you and yoyr family....

And I have an award for you, k. Please visit my blog.

Miryam (mama o' the matrices) said...

Sometimes, I think that we need our naivete.

Which Box said...

OMG, I have been really bad at hitting everyone. Cason is my little guy's partner. I cannot believe what you all went through, and I am so sorry and so relieved all at the same time. And sorry I missed it when it was happening. Hope things are going ok. Big hugs.

Reese said...

Luck has nothing to do with it. I am learning the very hard way that we are all random particles, like a messed up physics experiment.

That being said, so grateful that he is still here with you where he belongs. He gave us all quite a scare there.

XOXO--Reese

Lynda said...

I used to think we made our own luck, and then my world was shattered. Luck is waking up and seeing my l/c's watching tv. Thats luck to me now.