Tuesday, June 22, 2010


If you'd asked me back in September of 2007 or in the months that followed, what I hoped for my future, I don't know if I could have answered the question. At least not wholly. I might, on any given day, have answered, "To have it all go away." or "To have another baby." or "To be in a place where it doesn't HURT all the God Damn Time." or "To be in a place where I can talk openly and no one will judge." or "To be able to take this whole nightmare and find a way...out." or "To not be DEFINED by this, forever." Or some variation of one of those answers.
On any given day, after you birth your dead baby, I think any one of those sentiments may find itself flittering around your brain. They did mine. I never knew from one moment to the next which one would show up, but I knew one of them would.
And then I found this place.
The writing that followed once I set up shop here, was sometimes bad I am sure, hopefully sometimes good, but always, always, honest. And it helped me, more than any words I could ever hope to conjure up or pluck from the sky will ever be able to tell. But I imagine, for anyone who has been to hell and is fighting their way back, you know what I mean.

So I am profoundly humbled to share the news that sometime last year I was asked to contribute to a work in progress, a book that was being built, piece by piece, story by story, that would offer to others, what this place here, offered to me. Real life. And hope.
I did contribute as did many others, from very different perspectives, and this book, it is going to be published! Come November, "They Were Still Born" will become a reality.

I am but a small part of this project but am so damn proud to be there. The writing of my part was hard. Much harder than I thought or even anticipated it would be. (And I have no doubt that the makers of all things alcoholic are very grateful for that.) All (well, if any are left) who read here who pick up the book will know my real identity. I ask for your help in maintaining my privacy here. I kept my blog name out of the 'biography' for me so that should I decide to share this news with my IRL family and friends, they won't be able to find this place, my place, of refuge.

I don't know what the finished product will hold. I have only read a handful of the other contributors pieces, but I have great hope for it and for its place as another valuable resource for all of those who have joined our club.


Hope's Mama said...

This is the second time I have heard about this today. Just awesome. I'm so glad you contributed, too. Your words have always really resonated with me.
Can't wait to get my hands on a copy in November.
ps: what's with the Asian porn spammers of late!? They seem to be hitting all the db blogs!

Rivalen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rivalen said...

1) awesome! That is some magnificent news.

2) as for the asian porn spam...I guess they figure we need as much cheering up as anyone. :-P

angie said...

I am very much looking forward to reading your essay and insight. There have been some amazing journeys taken when the floor falls out from under you. XO

Michele said...

how wonderful!

charmedgirl said...

they WERE still born, and, in those moments, so were we.

you were and are an awesome support. really, kal. i am so honored to have goten to know you and your caleb.

loribeth said...

Fabulous news!! I'll look forward to reading your contribution & the others. (And of course, your secret is safe with me!)

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so proud. So very proud. I cannot wait to buy a copy. Can I be first in line? I WANT TO BE FIRST IN LINE.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I will go take a look. I know you have a lot to offer and the book will be better because of you. Your writing is always honest and so are your supportive comments. I am happy for you that your words will now reach more people who suffer as we do.

Peace, my friend.

CLC said...

I am so proud of you k! I can't wait to read it. Well I can as I know it will make me a mess. But I am so excited to know so many of the contributors through this space. Caleb is smiling down on you for sure for honoring him this way!

Tash said...

Oh good for you! I think it's cathartic to have your words out there, and even more so to know that they may actually help someone feel less alone. Proud o you.

(I missed asian porn spam? Why do I get the boring spam?)

Fireflyforever said...

Oh K. Well done. Yours was one of the first blogs I ever read after Emma died and I was so relieved to find someone who wrote so honestly about the sheer awfulness of this. Your words have helped me. I hope, through the book, they reach others.