Monday, August 31, 2009

Time

2 years ago today, an ultrasound tech leaned over my belly and grabbed my hand. She looked into my eyes and said, "If it's bad, is there someone here with you?" And so began my journey into hell.
He wouldn't be born until the next day. And he would never take a breath outside my body.
2 years ago today, my world and my life changed, forever.
2 years ago today, my third child, my second son, a boy we would name Caleb, but who would never answer to it, began his journey into this world, even though he had already left it.
2 years ago today, I tried to prepare myself to meet my child and to tell him good-bye.
2 years ago today, I lay in a hospital closing my eyes to everything, gripping the handrail of the bed as my body contracted and I begged myself, screamed at myself, to wake up from the nightmare.
2 years ago today, I found out I wasn't sleeping and the nightmare was real.
2 years ago today, I met two db moms, they were my nurses and they held my hands as I joined the club.
2 years ago today, I heard the silence on a heart rate monitor and it was deafening.
2 years ago today, still feels like yesterday and I suspect it always will.

23 comments:

missing_one said...

*big hugs to you* Remembering precious Caleb

Heather said...

What excruciating memories. I'll be thinking of you and Caleb.

G$ said...

Ahh k - how is it that it's two years...

Much love to you and the family today and always.

Hope's Mama said...

Holding you so very close, K. And remembering sweet Caleb with you. Today and always.
xo

Aunt Becky said...

Holding you and sweet Caleb in my thoughts now and always.

Cara said...

Wow - she seriously said that to you? The day is imprinted forever, and all the moments that followed. We are here to remember ever year too.

xoxo hugging you tightly

angie said...

I feel your moments so deep within me, they are so similar to my own horror. Remembering Caleb. Standing with you.

Tash said...

Terrible how these are the memories that are etched and come fully lit, in all their gory detail.

Remembering Caleb, and thinking of you all. Love to you this week.

Reese said...

Holding Caleb in my heart, tonight and forever...

Walking behind you, tonight and forever....

Love, Reese

Michele said...

Crying and remembering Caleb with you right now... Hugs to you...

Sophie said...

When you put it like that two years doesn't sound like much does it? Insert another pregnancy and another sweet baby home with you and you'd think it would feel like longer... I think I will feel this way come Christmas time too... I will have had another little boy by then... but my heart will be firmly imbedded back in time with Jordan.

Thinking of you and Caleb.
x

Reba said...

hugs, hugs...thinking of you and caleb

CLC said...

Thinking of you and Caleb. 2 years doesn't seem very long in the grand scheme of things. Yet at the same time, 2 years without your baby seems like an eternity. XOXO.

bir said...

love to you in these days x

www.allthelittleponies.blogspot.com

ezra'smommy said...

Thinking of your sweet Caleb today and always

Sarah said...

I don't know that I could have survived the last 2 years without DB moms. But I wish you weren't one too. I really do.

Which Box said...

Two years. So long ago, and yet just yesterday. So, so sorry. thinking of you all.

janis said...

BIG ((hugs)) to you.
Reading this gave me goosebumps and tears.
Sending love to you; remembering Caleb.

Kathy said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers today and this week. Even though I haven't known you the whole time, I still can't believe it has been two years. Remembering Caleb with you. (((HUGS)))

Ya Chun said...

2 years...

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

(hugs) 2yrs ...5yrs on the pain is different but the nightmares just as real.

loribeth said...

I'm sorry I am late to give you some (((hugs))). The years pass, but I think some pain/sadness always remains.

Sue said...

Somehow I missed this.

Oh, K. I'm in tears reading this. How could it be two years?

You are an amazing woman. An amazing mom.