I made it the last four weeks without really thinking about it. "It" being the swollen kidney's on the last ultrasound, baby kidney's, not mine. I went crazy that first day, calling Dr. Goo.gle, looking up everything I could about fluid in fetal kidney's and what it could mean. The answers were all over the map, from nothing at all to the catastrophic. And so, after a long Internet chat with a friend, I decided to go with the 'what's the use of worrying now when I have no idea if anything at all is wrong" approach.
I was pretty calm this morning going into the doc's. I even texted same friend about how annoying it was that the Dis.ney Channel was on the t.v. in the waiting room, which was filled with grown-ups, not a child in sight. Are you kidding me?
Going back down the familiar hallway to the u/s room the leprechaun was thoughtful enough to give me several big kicks, as if to say, 'Don't worry mom, I'm still ok.'. So when I got up on the table I at least knew they weren't going to tell me my baby was dead. That right there is a good day for me.
She scanned everything for me, not just the kidneys, and everything was, normal. NORMAL. Baby is even measuring a bit big, but all the parts are there and they are normal. Which meant my heart rate went back to normal too. How about that.
I calmly waited for the doctor to come in to the exam room and go over everything with me. Continued texting my friend, did the pee in the cup thing, waited, waited. Finally, in he came, he said in his heavily laced accent, "Eveyting nohmal, babeee good". Showed me all the tests, baby weighs 3.9lbs, measuring about a week ahead, my stuff, all good. So I asked him, when do I come back? 2 weeks. Then we start stress testing, every two weeks till 36 weeks then every week. And then out of nowhere, he says to me, "What day you want to have your baby?" I sat there stunned. I must have looked confused because he repeated it to me and then told me he was going to book the day now because I am at 30 weeks. He showed me a calendar, gave me some options and said, you pick, is there a date you want for the baby to be born? So I looked and picked a day.
Then I scheduled my next appointment and walked out of the office. I almost made it to the elevator before the tears started. I held my breath until I got into the parking garage. Then I started hyperventilating and sobbing. I walked blinded by the tears to my car, fumbled with the keys, opened the door and sat down. It took a few minutes for my breath to catch. I was on the verge of calling someone to come help me, I've never had an attack like that before. Finally, it was just the tears, lots of them, spilling out of my eyes and making trails down my cheeks, as I sat in my car, alone, contemplating the idea that I might actually have a baby that lives. That I had just picked a birthday for this little one. That my doctor was calling the hospital to schedule a delivery for what looks like a healthy baby.
I think my body reacted to an overdose of normal.
Apparently, I don't do normal anymore. At least not well.