The List

Okay so I am starting mine own silly meme....

Making lists is decidedly more fun than writing or thinking about, well you know. In my previous post, I alluded to my 'list', the one that contains my 'exemptions', people who I am allowed to sleep with, should I encounter them, and it isn't to be counted as cheating on my spouse. To be fair, my husband has never actually agreed to the rules surrounding said list, but I did tell him he could have his own list and should either of us actually find ourselves, unbelievably, in a situation where we might actually have the chance to use our list, we could renegotiate, assuming we felt it appropriate to excuse ourselves from a fantastic sport f*ck opportunity, to call our spouse. No doubt this might dampen the mood, regardless of the outcome of the call and the 'renegotiation', especially if, with my luck, he calls me first.

But I digress.

If I am being completely candid, I have to say that I do reserve the right to update my list, at any given moment, after all you never know who you might run into...

Also, after my last post, and after antigone's comment, I am seriously reconsidering my underwear options. Don't want to get caught with the pants down, if you know what I mean...

So, my list :

1. Brad Pitt. I know, Lame school girl choice. But still. Him, in "A River Runs Through It"....help me.

2. Anderson Cooper. (CNN news anchor/Gloria Vanderbilt's son) Something about his grey hair, his sarcastic wit and his smarts...Plus who doesn't love a guy that reports on the crisis in Sudan wearing Gucci?? (I suspect he may play for the other team, but a girl can dream)

3. Henry Simmons (aka Detective Baldwin Jones on NYPD Blue) One steamy sex scene on that show and I knew I had to have him. Lordy, Lordy.

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (NASCAR Driver) I share this one with my sis, Hi sis! wave! Maybe we can get a two for one discount...but he has to leave his hat on, won't work for me otherwise.

5. Robert Redford. "See ya Hubble." Oh, who didn't love 'The Way We Were' over and over again. All that man has to do is speak, his voice gets me every time. I took a nap watching, read listening to, "The Sting", yesterday and had some mighty fine dreams because of it, um, him. He also narrates "A River Runs Through It" and so he may be partially responsible for #1 on my list.

Okay, so there you go....who's on your list????? I am going to "hit" Charmed Girl, Coggy, C. and CLC, with the goods and expect them to pony up, pronto. Make your list ladies and then pass the mission on to at least 3 more and so on and so on...I am always looking for new 'ideas', shall we say???

P.S. Guess what??? Spell check is BACK!!! Yay me!

I'm "IT"

I've been tagged by C. So now instead of boring you with my displaced anger at the universe I will bore you with some little known trivia about self, something I know you are DYING to read all about....

Here's how it works:

1. Link to the person who tagged you, see above, Hi C! Wave, wave.

2. Post the Rules. If you are reading this you can see how I am doing just that:)

3. Share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. Yikes 6 of em?? How to choose, how to choose....

4. Tag at least 3 people to carry on this exploration in self awareness

5. Be sure the people you tag know you tagged them by commenting on their blog that you have passed the flame on to them.

Okay, get out your warm jammies, pour yourself a stiff drink, put away the xanax for today, you won't need any help nodding off, be prepared to be bored and here we go!

1. Bubble Gum. I love chewing it but only until the sugar wears out. I have bought big bags of Double Bubble, sat on my bed chewing a piece until the sugar was gone, spit it out, wrapped it back in it's wrapper, put that back in the bag and taken out a new piece and done the same thing to the next piece and so on and so on and so on. I once "chewed" so much gum that the next day when I woke up I couldn't open my jaw and thought I had had a stroke, until I remembered, "Oh yea, I ate a whole bag of double bubble yesterday...in less than an hour."

2. Despite my aforementioned chewing skills, I am a painfully slow eater. This drives my husband, a former Marine, who follows the "eat it now taste it later" philosophy, absolutely bonkers. Once we went out to dinner and the waiter dropped his dinner on the floor just as he was serving it, I continued eating mine and even after having his whole meal recooked and redelivered to our table, he still finished before me and had to wait, again.

3. I sometimes wish that bad things, not really bad things....well okay, maybe really bad things, would happen to people who I think have it too easy and need some humilty in thier life. I, of course, feel horribly guilty after thinking these evil thoughts and then apologize profusely to the Universe for being such a pathetic, small person. The Universe then responds to my apology by making something bad, and yea really bad, happen to me. This whole life philosophy is really working out well for me don't cha think??

4. I have really old underwear. It's so old that when all the really bad shit happened in September and my mom basically moved into my house and was doing my laundry, she immediately went out and bought me 6 whole new pairs. I think this may be because she didn't want me to live out that old adage about being in an accident and having on old, ripped, dirty underwear when your rescuers come. First, my underwear is old and ripped, but I always wear it clean, and second, despite having received 6 whole new pairs, I didn't throw any of the old ones out and I still wear them...just 6 days less often now. Also, when the really bad shit DID happen, no one really cared what my underwear looked like...so there.

5. I think my house is haunted. I've never told anyone that. But I swear there are spirits who live here. Things that make me believe this are; Whenever I do something say, yell at my kids for no good reason, some other thing, a physically painful thing, will happen to me. I'll run into a corner of the wall hard, something heavy will drop onto me and hurt really bad, slam my finger/hand/foot/body part into the door etc..Also I always feel as though I see someone out of the corner of my eye and then when I look, it's as if I just missed seeing someone leaving. Or I'll think one of my kids has walked into a room behind me and I'll start talking to them only to turn and find out no one is there. Weird. Anyone want to come visit???

6. I still have my "list" of famous people I am allowed to sleep with, despite being married, should the opportunity present itself. Who's on the "list" you might be asking....hmmm well maybe one day I'll tell you, but it aint today! HA. Although, recently, despite our "baby making" efforts, my husband asked how he could get on my "list". I told him, "You are honey, you're on my "other list"...the "shit" one":)

Now, if you're still awake here's who I am TAGGING:

G.
Jennifer
A.

Have fun girls!!!

P.S. Seriously, Is anyone else missing spell check??????

P.P.S. Has anyone heard from Rosalind? I haven't heard from her in weeks....sigh

Edited to add: Miss Popularity, aka Jennifer, has already been tagged, so I am also tagging Julia, cuz I don't want to fuck this whole game up....

Edited to literally add Ashleigh cuz I WILL tag 3 who have not been tagged before...

It's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all...

Bullshit.

I'd write more but I have to go buy tampons. I'm drinking a huge diet coke on my way there, swallowing at least 6 Motrin and picking up a bottle of Jack on my way back.

Fuck this.

It's a Beautiful Day....Not

I was sitting at my daughter's ballet class yesterday, enjoying some mindless banter with the other mom's, including my friend whose baby son was just born healthy 3 weeks ago...sigh...We were talking about the big important issues, such as, "Why is it that famous people always die naked?",that was good for a few laughs and we decided that as long as we all stayed dressed we likely would never die.

The conversation turned into a discussion of drugs and depression, and I guess maybe I should have seen it coming although I doubt it. I was having so much fun, albeit laughing at someone else, but still...I'll take anything these days, when new mom friend said she had started back on birth control pills. I was thinking she was going to say she had started on anti-depressants for PPD, but nope. Birth control. Geez, I have been trying to get pregnant or stay pregnant for so long now, I can't even remember the last time I even thought about birth control, mine or anyone elses for that matter. One of the other mom's who I don't think knows about, argh 'my history', piped in with a, "What, you don't want to go out and get pregnant right away??" I could feel myself getting smaller and smaller in my chair. The joy of the moment gone. Laughter stopped. My new mom friend replied, "Oh my God no. I would die if I got pregnant again. I am sooo done!" I am now wishing I could just evaporate, just disappear. I am back to being dead baby mom. Dead baby mom who so desperately wants another baby that I wake up everyday crying that I am not pregnant and maybe, probably never will be again. The noise has started again. Fun over. The other mom says that after her last baby she would have nightmares about getting pregnant again and wake up terrified because she thought she was pregnant. Holy Christ. Please let class end, please take me away from here. Please shut the fuck up. Please.

Class ended, little girls in pink tutu's come running out in tap shoes, anxious to share their new dance moves. I grab my little girl, and my other friends daughter who I am taking home, rush them out the door and into the car. I turn the music up loud to stop the noise and to hopefully keep the tears at bay as we drive away.

It had been such a beautiful day, but some asshole fucked it up.

P.S. Still no spell check...can you tell?? Does anyone know WTF is up?

Happy Birthday Coggy!

It's someone's special day! Give her a shout out if you have a moment, she's one hell of a great lady!

Signs

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SPELL CHECK????????????

Now that I have that off my chest, I have to preface all of my future blogs with the disclaimer that I hate spelling, but even more than that, I hate proof reading, so you may notice a much dumbed down version of me until SPELL CHECK comes back. Now, back to our previously scheduled blog...


In my before life, I used to laugh, a little, when people would talk about "signs". In my dark and pessimistic little brain I always look for the 'other sign', the one people ignore while they are oohing and ahhing over the one they believe is telling them their destiny.

I rememeber in the immediate days after 9/11 there was an email that circulated about how God was hard at work that day saving lives. The email went on about the subway trains that were inexplicably late that day, the buses that were delayed for no reason, the various stories by people who worked in the Towers who were unavoidably detained that morning, the people who missed their flights because of incidental decisions etc.. At the end of the email it said something really hokey, such as "God's power is everywhere...even when it doesn't feel like He is there." I can't remember exactly. I do remember thinking, Jesus, wouldn't it have been easier for God to have just made some bolts go missing from the aircraft so the flights would never have taken off in the first place? I mean really. If that other stuff is a "sign" of His Power, me thinks God may need to retake 3rd grade.

In recent years, as friends have been adding to the gene pool, some successfully and others not so much, I started hearing more of the "I really think God wants me to have children, he is just testing my determination" type comments. Whenever that was said to me I would do the nod and smile bit and think to myself, "Well, if God is handing out signs, maybe you're not reading yours right. Maybe yours says adopt." (Let me just say here, LOUDLY, to anyone who is or has dealt with Infertility of any kind, this comment does not in any way mean that I think people shouldn't try as hard as they feel able to, to make a baby with whatever medical intervention is available to them.) I just think why the fuck would God make a perfectly capable, loving family struggle to have a child and at the same time have the entire fucking population of Ethiopia breed like rabbits?? It just doesn't pass the giggle test for me.

So now, given my recent ah, 'history' and my 'advanced maternal age' I have to wonder, "Am I not reading the signs?" One of my favorite 'signs' sayings, which I guess doesn't have to be about God but does usually incorporate Him/Her, says that when God/Life is trying to teach you something and you are not listening, first life taps you on the shoulder, then if you don't listen life will shake you a little, then if you still don't listen life gives you a slap and finally if you still haven't learned, life will hit you with a brick.

As I look back here is what I see: After my daughter was born 6 years ago, my beloved former OB said to me, "If you think you are going to have another one, don't wait more than a year to do it. You aren't getting any younger and it's only going to get harder for you the longer you wait." There was my tap. Then we decided almost 5 years later to go for it. Got pregnant after 3 tries, yay eggs! and proceeded to miscarry. Boo eggs and here's your shake, courtesy of life. Then instead of just an ugh, "routine" miscarriage and D & C, the new OB perforates my aging uterus, panics, leaves the baby in me and admits me to the hospital where my BP bottoms out and I think I am going to die. Not to mention I have to come back 5 days later for a second D & C. Anyone else out there feel or maybe hear the slap? 4 months later, I am pregnant again, yay eggs! and then 23 weeks into it, well you know. I got hit with a brick, it came wrapped in a hospital blanket, he was beautiful, he was my son and he was dead.

I hate signs.

I got CANDY!

Thanks C.! I've been in such a funk and I needed a little pick me up but didn't expect something so sweet:)

Of course the bad part is I am supposed to find just ONE of my dead baby mama's to pass it on to. Yikes. I count on ALL of you and read you all every day...especially on the days I feel I can't find the words to write what I feel. Cuz I know one of you will have them, sadly.

I think I will go with Christine and her Olive Lucy, because when I first read her early blogs she had so much positive, healing energy and she reminded me that the joy is still out there, I just have to look a little harder now.

But to everyone over there on my right side, you ladies are my rock, my rock candy:)

To take a sneak peek at who else has been nibbling on the sweet stuff, look here.

Where's the Grief?

I don't get this grief thing. I don't think I do it right. As if I don't have enough on my mind, now I am worrying that I am not grieving for my son the way I should. Yep...still crazy over here.

I know I am grieving but I wonder if I am grieving the "right things". I mean, am I grieving Caleb dying or am I grieving not getting my baby? Sometimes I think if Caleb had been my first born, I would have felt his loss more and that I would grieve his death in an entirely different way. How lousy is that??? I know they(I know...who the eff are they anyway) always say by the time you have your third or fourth you don't have the time or energy to worry about the same things you did with your first, you don't have the luxery of time to fret over the little things, to micro manage every detail in their lives. But I never would have imagined that the same thing might apply to your third one dying. You would think that by virtue of the fact that he is my only child to die (knocking every piece of wood I can right now), I would have plenty of grief just for him. But it doesn't feel like that at all.

The grief feels all mixed up in trying to save myself, save my kids, save our family from this horror. The grief comes in making everything feel 'normal'. It comes in the forced smile when I tell the kids about their friends mom whose baby was just born, safely, and I see in thier eyes, I hear in their heads, "Why wasn't ours born safely?" and I try to pretend for them, that my happiness for our friend isn't covered in, well, grief. It comes when I notice my dughter has slowly started taking back the books that she "donated" to the new baby. When we were getting ready to change out her furniture, the nursery furniture, for her Big Girl furniture to make the room for the baby, she went through all of her books and chose ones that would go to the nursery. They had been sitting in bins in the hall and recently the books have found their way back to her room. If Caleb had been our first, the books would still be sitting unused, waiting for a child to explore them and I can imagine myself reaading them alone and throwing myself a huge pity party. But not here. Here they just migrated back to where they had once belonged. Slowly being reabsorbed into our world. As though Caleb never exisited, which for them, I suppose is true.

Even our feeble attempts at making another baby, feel deceptive. I wonder is it another baby I want? Is it Caleb I want? Is what I really want something that will make the loss feel even more distant, even less real? Am I trying to erase him? I guess that's it. I feel like I am trying to erase him. I know I can't. I know I will carry the sadness in me forever. Everyday I look at my dead baby jewelry before I put it on and I think, I don't want to wear this today. Today I just want to be the old me. And everyday I put it on anyway because I know the old me is gone and even if I don't wear it, I will still feel it's weight, around my neck and in my heart.

A while back one of you wrote, after going to your support group that your discussion leader had asked everyone to respond to the question, "If you could do this all over again knowing the result would be the same, would you?" Everyone who commented on that post said, Yes, that they would take those months again and again if it meant they would have more time with their baby. I said No. I would never sign up for it again. I was the only one, at least for as long as I checked back to the post, I was the only one who said I would not go back and do it again. What does that say about me? Does that mean I wish my baby had never been 'born' at all? Because, really, given the choice, I do sometimes wish I had never been pregnant at all. But I don't have the choice do I? After all, if life were a hypothetical, I would choose for my baby to be here, alive, healthy and screaming at me in the middle of the night, that's my choice. And I have to say, given the same hypothetical choice if something had happened to one of my other children, I would choose differently. Does that mean I love them more? Does it mean I love him less? No. I know I don't love him less. I just so wish that this had never happened.

Everyday I go through the motions, trying to make our lives as normal as possible. Most days, I think we do a pretty good job of it. But everday, when the kids are asleep, all of the lights are off , and the house is quiet I lay my head on the pillow and I wonder, "Where's my grief?" .