I was talking with a mom from my daughters school today. She doesn't know 'the story'. She met me last year, right around this time. I was 9 months pg. She saw me only as one of them, the shiny, happy them. Today she was holding Cason and commenting on how quickly a year had passed and she couldn't believe he was going to be one in just a few weeks. Then she started asking more questions, the ones we all dread. Questions that a few years ago would only have been idle chatter, how many, how old, what grade, smile, nod, smile, nod, go on with your day.
Now, of course, those questions trigger the inner dialog in my head. The 'outloud' answer and the 'inside voice' answer. And for me, even more sensitive to the ever prying nature of those questions is the age gap between my daughter and Cason. 7 years to those looking in from the outside. And I can see them wondering and wanting to ask was Cason an oops baby.
Most people don't ask it, but I know they think it. She had that look. Not a judging look, she is really a sweet lady from what I know of her, but still, I knew when she asked me the ages of my others, the thought had crossed her mind.
And before I could think it through I said, there was another one, a baby boy, we lost him in between her and Cason. He was stillborn. And I watched her face transform. And I watched the air disappear and I felt bad, I felt like I had to fix the damage I had just done. So I quickly blurted out,over her attempt to offer words of sympathy, "so Cason is our magic baby". I have no idea WHERE that phrase came from. And I hated the sound of the words as soon as they left my mouth. And I hated myself for trying to gloss over Caleb. And I hated even being in that room for another second.
I don't know what I expected, I don't know what I wanted, I don't know what was going on in my head. I do know, it will be a long time before I let myself go 'there' again.
Will I ever figure out how to answer those damn questions?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I will be lighting a candle tonight at 7p.m. and thinking about all of the babies I have come to know since joining this db club, babies I will never meet, babies who should have been, here. They have all changed me, they all made a difference and they all are missed.
I love you Caleb.