Tuesday, June 23, 2009


It's happened so many times now that even I have to admit it's odd. People often say to me or the husband or the grandparents or to whomever might be holding Cason, that he has very wise eyes. That he seems an old soul. I know it sounds corny. Really corny. But still. After hearing it over and over and over again from so many different and totally unconnected sources, it's become almost unsettling.

And today, another mom who doesn't know 'the story', came up to me, as I held Cason and we cheered on his big sister as she raced valiantly in the first swim meet of the summer, and said, "He looks grateful, it seems like he is so happy to be here.", (here meaning being alive, as opposed to being at a swim meet for hours on end).

Hearing it I wanted to give her the whole story but I didn't. I haven't been one to put much stock into the whole life after death thing. Although I think it was over at Niobe's, where the idea of a soul that is destined to be born might be transferred from one baby to another if the first baby doesn't make it. I like that idea. The notion of a spirit that lingers needing a body only as a vessel, a carrier, and that the spirit is capable of surviving even if the vessel does not.

Do I think Cason is carrying Caleb's spirit? Not really. I think Cason is his own person. I don't want him to be a part of Caleb. It diminishes both of them. It reminds me of watching my daughter mixing play dough colors. It always seems like a good idea and is fun to watch at first. Taking two brightly colored and beautiful pieces of clay and rolling them together, watching them as they begin to merge, each still independent but now winding together like a barber shop poll or a candy cane. Each color unique for a while and then before you know it, the colors start to blend, they lose their vibrancy and there is no going back. You can't separate the two and you have to mix them to make just one color, one that is not as pretty as the two were separately. You realize that the mixing wasn't such a good idea after all.

I don't want either boy of mine to lose his identity. They both deserve to be vibrant in their own way and for their own life's purpose. So I hesitate to put more meaning into the recurrent comments that Cason has wise eyes or an old soul. But it's hard not to want to believe that he knows, somewhere deep down, the whole story and that maybe, just maybe, he knows even more than I do.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Because not all dad's deserve a Father's Day

I was all set to wax poetic about my husband and all that he's done to earn some rightful recognition on his parenting(letting C1 watch Chuckie at the ripe old age of 2 not included for obvious reasons...) but I thought I'd provide a public service announcement instead.

This, is not what Father's Day is all about. I remind all who tread on the hallowed grounds of spermiNation to remember it is not about QUANTITY. The mere fact that you may have millions of wee swimmers bound and determined to quick time it up to a lowly, waiting egg, does not mean you must use them all for such a lofty goal.
While your head and longing loins(are they one and the same I ask you?) may cry out for hasty gratification, let your wallet be your guide. If for no other reason then it knows, by simple addition, the price you can not afford to pay. For even when it is filled to the gils by the mere minimum wages and no doubt hard earned dollars you pack away, it fails to support the 20 something offspring created by your nimble nether parts. It is here we find that the old adage is not always true. You sir, have proven, that your sum is not greater than your parts. Congratulations. My how proud you must be.
And while I applaud you, (not really), for knowing or at least professing to know, each and every one of their birthdays and WOW, even their ever lovin NAMES, now there's a feat oft only accomplished by weaker, less fertile men no doubt, who strive to remember only a mere one or two, maybe even three or four names attached to living breathing children, I can not muster the strength to support your endeavors. I wonder, will they each come to visit you as you sit, on others dimes, in jail for failure to support them in other more meaningful ways, like maybe, I don't know, spending time with them, instead of, doing time for them?
I'm glad to read that you have stated "I'm done, I'll say I'm done.", I have to question why now? Why,after 20 or possibly 21 children, does it matter, really? Has the light suddenly bestowed some infinite wisdom on you? Why not go for the even two dozen? You're only 29, you have years of fertility left in which you might share more of yourself with the rest of us.
I doubt, call me crazy, it comes from some sense of moral certainty that your creative days are behind you. I suspect, instead, that you find it infinitely more difficult to procreate in an environment that refuses you conjugal rights. I shudder at the thought.
And so, forgive me, if I don't wish you a Happy Father's Day. Something tells me that the only folks who are celebrating you right now are the fat cats at Hallmark. But I could be wrong. Lord, I hope not.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Thanks to Niobe I found a really productive way to spend my time....google yourself, well at least your name, beginning with "unfortunately________" filling in your name and see what pops up.

So here's what I have been 'unfortunately' up to:

"Unfortunately k@lakly has a bit of an injury history..." Boy that's an understatement.

"Unfortunately k@lakly does oppose contraception-an evidence based measure to prevent unwanted pregnancies and reduce the need for abortion..." Now that could NOT be farther from the truth but I had to laugh when reading it and considering where I was putting the words and given most of the people who read here are actively trying TO get pregnant...

"Unfortunately k@lakly failed to capitalize on even that slight advantage." Yea, that's me, fail to capitalize, all the fricken time.

"Unfortunately k@lakly attacks Sinatra with about as much grace as would result from you trying to take out the pit of a cherry using a pneumatic drill..." I LOVE that! But I have never attacked old blue eyes, even in jest.

So what about YOU????

Sunday, June 14, 2009

One of a kind

That's us. We met with the new doc again. (I call him Dr. Books, and I really do heart him). Here's the scoop. After all of his research and reaching out to all of the other allergy type minded docs he knows and even ones he doesn't, searching high and low for guidance on how to proceed with Cason, guess what? They can't find another baby who, at 4 months, had this kind of reaction to the vaccines. Not a one. Cason is in a world occupied by uno, him and him alone. Normally, I am all about unique and being your own individual but I gotta say, here, I would have liked some reassurance that this has happened before and here's how we handled it. That would have been useful. But, not me, not my child, not my life.
That being said, at least my doc has made it so that we don't feel as though we are all alone. He plans to see us through this even if our plan is, we don't have a plan. Which feels so much better than what the other doc, little Doogie Howser, whose mantra was, "lets just rush into this the same way we would any other allergy and start sticking Cason with things we think might trigger a reaction" wanted to do.

So for now, our plan is do nothing. No shots, no tests, nada. Cason is helathy. My elimination diet (now down to no dairy and no nuts with wheat and eggs back in) has really helped clear his skin up and settle his belly. He is healthy and developmentally on schedule. Dr. Books feels after conferring with a conference full of allergists and other immunoligists, which has to be a rip roaring good time, that waiting until Cason has a more established immune system and is older(maybe 2) and better able to communicate with us, IF we test him, is the best course of action. He doesn't feel any sense of urgency. The vaccines, while important, do not have to be given at this young age. It is unlikely(yes, let's all laugh as I type that) that he will be exposed to any of the diseases in the shots. We aren't big travelers(thank you fear of flying) and he won't be in daycare(thank you overpriced and sorely underused education ) so why not wait until we can more reliably test his immune system. The only hiccup in the plan is that we are waiting for the federal investigation to be completed. This is being headed up by a doctor at Joh.ns...Hop.kins and is part of a C>D>C Adverse Event investigation, that is looking into what happened with Cason. They will make a recommendation to us and it probably will include a particular blood test for one of the ingredients in one of the vaccines. The recommendation will allow Doctor Books to order the test which is not commercially available to him. This test he wants to do. It's 'only' a blood test so there is no risk that comes with it. Unless, of course, they screw it up and use a dirty needle or rip his vein out, but I won't go there.

So for now, we wait. I drink wine, in moderation...there's a term I rarely use in connection with alcohol, and skip the cheese. And Cason, he just eats, drinks and stays healthy. I hope. He is after all, one of a kind.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

And good morning to you too

Over breakfast, baby cereal and Diet C.oke this morning:

Daughter: "Mommy how many babies died in your tummy?"

Mommy: Pausing to swallow new lump in throat, "3."

Daughter: "You have SIX childs!!!!!, SIX childs!!!!!"

Mommy: silence

Daughter: "Bye, Mommy, I love you, see you after school."

Mommy: Out loud, "Have a great day, I love you too!" In my head, "I need some Capt. Morgan."

How did your morning go?